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"I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself."
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"What really happened was one day I decided to write a new kind of play."

"I never read Playboy before I started working there and stopped reading it the day I quit."

"We all get so caught up in our day-to-day lives and have so many gripes. But when you see the way others live and how they make the best of it, you'll realize how lucky you are."
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"There should be a law that there's a pajama day every few weeks."

"I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day."
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"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success."

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."

"Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price."

"More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments."

"Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet."
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