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Quotes by Comedian
"The truth is that Leon, like a lot of those - maybe everyone - who trips on acid, never really came back. he recovered but he was never the same guy again. He had lost something - innocence of hell. Acid presses a little button in your mind that should never be pressed"
15
"Even I realized that money was to politicians what the eucalyptus tree is to koala bears: food, water, shelter, and something to crap on."
15
"I can't write about my greatest mistakes because I've slept with most of them."
15
"After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock."
15
"Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff."
15
"You're just another american who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being shoved up your asshole every day... The owners of this country know the truth... it's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it!"
15
"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."
15
"How is it possible to have a civil war?"
14
"The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop."
14
"Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're fucked."
14
"I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist."
14
"It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so."
14
"Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us."
14
"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."
14
"Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be."
14
"Economy is a savings-bank, into which men drop pennies, and get dollars in return."
14
"I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die."
14
"You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic."
14
"Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair."
14
"Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.Me, I'm still waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'!"
14
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
14
"It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off."
14
"Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal. It's a matter of how you pick them."
14
"Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there."
14
"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."
14
"Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time."
14
"Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy."
14
"The difference between our decadence and the Russians' is that while theirs is brutal, ours is apathetic."
13
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
13
"I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself."
13
"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid."
13
"To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while."
13
"Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom."
13
"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."
13
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