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Quotes by Comedian
"Even I realized that money was to politicians what the eucalyptus tree is to koala bears: food, water, shelter, and something to crap on."
22
"I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally."
22
"I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die."
22
"I can't write about my greatest mistakes because I've slept with most of them."
22
"I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate."
22
"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
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"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
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"I'll get to make a lot of money and do some bad sitcoms."
22
"It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off."
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"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
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"Every little kid has always wanted to be a race car driver. This gets some of that out."
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"I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me."
22
"We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter."
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"How is it possible to have a civil war?"
21
"My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!"
21
"New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It's not their field. It's like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here's what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here's what they don't know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I'd join the Tea Party."
21
"The Communist bloc of old was a study in the failure of failure. Losers in the Soviet economy were the people at the end of the long lines for consumer goods. Worse losers were the people who had spent hours getting to the head of the line, only to be told that the goods were unavailable."
21
"What I have in common with the character in 'Truman' is this incredible need to please people. I feel like I want to take care of everyone and I also feel this terrible guilt if I am unable to. And I have felt this way ever since all this success started."
21
"I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist."
21
"This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen."
21
"I'm most proud of the blessings that God has bestowed upon me, in my life. He's given me the vision to truly see that you can fall down, but you can still get back up. Hopefully I'll learn from my mistakes and have the opportunity to strengthen and improve the next thing I do."
21
"Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us."
21
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again."
21
"I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that."
21
"It's never just a game when you're winning."
21
"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."
21
"Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff."
21
"It always helps to think about other people instead of ourselves."
21
"Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. 'Knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie.' And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science."
21
"I didn't come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV."
21
"I'd like to be more patient! I just want everything now. I've tried to meditate, but it's really hard for me to stay still. I'd like to try to force myself to do it, because everybody says how wonderful meditation is for you, but I can't shut my mind up. So patience and learning is the key."
21
"The idea of capitalism is not just success but also the failure that allows success to happen."
20
"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."
20
"You guys are the best. I'll see you in a couple of hours. I haven't seen another human being in 13 hours and I'm running out of bottles for my urine. Later guys!"
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