Humor Quotes | Beyond Motive 33/59

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Humor Quotes

"Oh, Claire," he said. "You think me a far better man than I am. That's kind, and flattering." "Are you saying that you -""Doughnuts!" Myrnin interrupted her and darted away, to zip back in seconds with an open box."

"Oh, Claire," he said. "You think me a far better man than I am. That's kind, and flattering." "Are you saying that you -""Doughnuts!" Myrnin interrupted her and darted away, to zip back in seconds with an open box."

Rachel Caine, Canadian Actress

Humor, Friendship, Love, Emotion

14

"Let us not kid ourselves; let us remember that literature is of no use whatever, except in the very special case of somebody's wishing to become, of all things, a Professor of Literature."

"Let us not kid ourselves; let us remember that literature is of no use whatever, except in the very special case of somebody's wishing to become, of all things, a Professor of Literature."

Gustave Flaubert, French Novelist

Humor, Education, Irony, Reality

14

"Maybe, he said in a slow, rural drawl, "you could explain to me why I found you in the middle of an orgy. "Well, I said, "if you're going to be in an orgy, the middle is the best spot, isn't it."

"Maybe, he said in a slow, rural drawl, "you could explain to me why I found you in the middle of an orgy. "Well, I said, "if you're going to be in an orgy, the middle is the best spot, isn't it."

Jim Butcher, American Author

Humor, Life, Experience, Fun

14

"People ask me where I got my x-ray powers. I inherited them from my parents in parental supervision. Erase the dots and your doubts if you think that I was 'raysed' alone."

"People ask me where I got my x-ray powers. I inherited them from my parents in parental supervision. Erase the dots and your doubts if you think that I was 'raysed' alone."

Ana Claudia Antunes, Brazilian Singer

Humor, Inheritance, Family, Identity

14

"Glimmer, I hear someone call her - ugh, the names the people in District 1 give their children are so ridiculous ..."

"Glimmer, I hear someone call her - ugh, the names the people in District 1 give their children are so ridiculous ..."

Suzanne Collins, American Novelist

Humor, Truth, People, Life

14

"If it had been my decision, you would still be sleeping, and I would be hoping every hour of every night you lived was filled with the foulest of dreams.'My only nightmare in this moment is the quality of the mattress you saw fit to place me on, said Simon. 'Really, brother, have you never heard of lumbar support?"

"If it had been my decision, you would still be sleeping, and I would be hoping every hour of every night you lived was filled with the foulest of dreams.'My only nightmare in this moment is the quality of the mattress you saw fit to place me on, said Simon. 'Really, brother, have you never heard of lumbar support?"

Seanan McGuire, American Author

Humor, Conflict, Family, Dialogue

14

"Now we're going to save a bunch of dirty meatsacks from a bunch of dirty cannibals? Why don't we rescue some orphaned kittens and put food out for stray puppies while we're at it?"

"Now we're going to save a bunch of dirty meatsacks from a bunch of dirty cannibals? Why don't we rescue some orphaned kittens and put food out for stray puppies while we're at it?"

Julie Kagawa, American Author

Humor, Irony, Observation, Compassion

14

"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."

"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."

Abraham Lincoln, American Politician

Humor, Coffee, Tea, President

14

"Ear demons are totally real," Cody said. "They're what make microphones like these ones work. They're also what tell you to eat the last slice of pie when you know Tia wanted it."

"Ear demons are totally real," Cody said. "They're what make microphones like these ones work. They're also what tell you to eat the last slice of pie when you know Tia wanted it."

Brandon Sanderson, American Author

Humor, Temptation, Voice, Desire

14

"An editor - a person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff and to see that the chaff is printed."

"An editor - a person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff and to see that the chaff is printed."

Elbert Hubbard, American Writer

Humor, Work, Judgment, Writing

14

"A scout is a boy who dresses like a schmuck. A scoutmaster is a schmuck who dresses like a boy."

"A scout is a boy who dresses like a schmuck. A scoutmaster is a schmuck who dresses like a boy."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Appearance, Life, Behavior

14

"I'm always ready to talk, shouldn't be a woman if I were not,' laughed Mrs. Jo."

"I'm always ready to talk, shouldn't be a woman if I were not,' laughed Mrs. Jo."

Louisa May Alcott, American Novelist

Humor, Gender, Conversation, Wit

14

"Dying is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well. I do it so it feels like hell. I do it so it feels real. I guess you could say I've a call."

"Dying is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well. I do it so it feels like hell. I do it so it feels real. I guess you could say I've a call."

Sylvia Plath, American Poet

Humor, Art, Dying, Hell

14

"You couldn't find your dick in the dark, you scheming, sleaze-mongering scumwad."

"You couldn't find your dick in the dark, you scheming, sleaze-mongering scumwad."

Nenia Campbell, Swedish Musician

Humor, Insult, Anger, Conflict

14

"I think that in the future, clocks won't say three o'clock anymore. They'll just get right to the point and rename three o'clock 'Pepsi.'"

"I think that in the future, clocks won't say three o'clock anymore. They'll just get right to the point and rename three o'clock 'Pepsi.'"

Doug Coupland, Canadian Author

Humor, Clocks, Future, Right

14

"Every barber thinks everybody needs a haircut."

"Every barber thinks everybody needs a haircut."

M.F. Moonzajer, Afghan Author

Humor, Opinion, Judgment, Truth

14

"You were wrong. She really is the new general in town."I smiled back, hoping he wasn't aware of my body's reaction to us standing so close. "Maybe. But, it's okay. You can still be colonel."He arched an eyebrow. "Oh? Did you demote yourself? Colonel's right below general. What's that make you?"I reached into my pocket and triumphantly flashed the CR-V keys I'd swiped when we'd come back inside. "The driver," I said."

"You were wrong. She really is the new general in town."I smiled back, hoping he wasn't aware of my body's reaction to us standing so close. "Maybe. But, it's okay. You can still be colonel."He arched an eyebrow. "Oh? Did you demote yourself? Colonel's right below general. What's that make you?"I reached into my pocket and triumphantly flashed the CR-V keys I'd swiped when we'd come back inside. "The driver," I said."

Richelle Mead, American Author

Humor, Power, Gender, Authority

14

"Zaphod did not want to tangle with them and, deciding that just as discretion is the better part of valor, so was cowardice is the better part of discretion, he valiantly hid himself in a closet."

"Zaphod did not want to tangle with them and, deciding that just as discretion is the better part of valor, so was cowardice is the better part of discretion, he valiantly hid himself in a closet."

Douglas Adams, English Writer

Humor, Discretion, Valor, Life

14

"Murphy hung up and I said, to the still-open line, "Hey, if you've got someone watching my place, could you call the cops if anyone tries to steal my Star Wars poster? It's an original."Then I vindictively hung up on the FBI. It made my inner child happy."

"Murphy hung up and I said, to the still-open line, "Hey, if you've got someone watching my place, could you call the cops if anyone tries to steal my Star Wars poster? It's an original."Then I vindictively hung up on the FBI. It made my inner child happy."

Jim Butcher, American Author

Humor, Childhood, Protection, Security

14

"I don't think it's possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor."

"I don't think it's possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor."

Christopher Hitchens, American Author

Humor, Tragedy, Perspective, Emotion

14

"Rolf! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there for a sec while I KICK YOUR ASS."

"Rolf! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there for a sec while I KICK YOUR ASS."

David Levithan, American Author

Humor, Laughter, Friendship, Play

14

"Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises."

"Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises."

Erma Bombeck, American Journalist

Humor, Joy, Expression, Truth

14

"The thin girl was gulping down one of Richard's bananas in what was, Richard reflected, the least erotic display of banana-eating he had ever seen."

"The thin girl was gulping down one of Richard's bananas in what was, Richard reflected, the least erotic display of banana-eating he had ever seen."

Neil Gaiman, British Author

Humor, Observation, Humanity, Realism

14

"Why does Eleanor let you have that much acid?' he asked. 'Why would you want that much acid? You don't need that much acid.''Except that it appears I do, since I have just enough to dissolve a human body, and we have a human body in need of dissolving,' said Jack. 'Everything happens for a reason. And Eleanor didn't 'let' me have this much acid. I sort of collected it on my own. For a rainy day.''What were you expecting it to rain?' said Christopher. 'Bears?"

"Why does Eleanor let you have that much acid?' he asked. 'Why would you want that much acid? You don't need that much acid.''Except that it appears I do, since I have just enough to dissolve a human body, and we have a human body in need of dissolving,' said Jack. 'Everything happens for a reason. And Eleanor didn't 'let' me have this much acid. I sort of collected it on my own. For a rainy day.''What were you expecting it to rain?' said Christopher. 'Bears?"

Seanan McGuire, American Author

Humor, Logic, Chaos, Adventure

14

"If you have more cavities than you have teeth you've led a 'Sweet' life."

"If you have more cavities than you have teeth you've led a 'Sweet' life."

Stanley Victor Paskavich, American Politician

Humor, Life, Choice, Health

14

"The Colonel led all the cheers.Cornbread!" he screamed.CHICKEN!" the crowd responded.Rice!"PEAS!"And then, all together: "WE GOT HIGHER SATs."Hip Hip Hip Hooray!" the Colonel cried.YOU'LL BE WORKIN' FOR US SOMEDAY!"

"The Colonel led all the cheers.Cornbread!" he screamed.CHICKEN!" the crowd responded.Rice!"PEAS!"And then, all together: "WE GOT HIGHER SATs."Hip Hip Hip Hooray!" the Colonel cried.YOU'LL BE WORKIN' FOR US SOMEDAY!"

John Green, American Author

Humor, College, Future, Education

14

"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."

"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."

Winston Churchill, English Statesman

Humor, Animals, Observation, Equality

14

"It ought to be an offense to be excruciating and unfunny in circumstances where your audience is almost morally obliged to enthuse."

"It ought to be an offense to be excruciating and unfunny in circumstances where your audience is almost morally obliged to enthuse."

Christopher Hitchens, American Author

Humor, Offense, Audience, Morality

14

"Stick." I said in Russian. I had no clue what the word for stake was. I pointed at the silver ring I wore and made a slashing motion. "Stick. where?" He stared at me in utter confusion and then asked in perfect English, "why are you talking like that?"

"Stick." I said in Russian. I had no clue what the word for stake was. I pointed at the silver ring I wore and made a slashing motion. "Stick. where?" He stared at me in utter confusion and then asked in perfect English, "why are you talking like that?"

Richelle Mead, American Author

Humor, Communication, Language, Confusion

14

"Percy!' Annabeth scolded. 'You just opened another Monster Doughnut shop somewhere!"

"Percy!' Annabeth scolded. 'You just opened another Monster Doughnut shop somewhere!"

Rick Riordan, American Novelist

Humor, Truth, Life, Happiness

14

"April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four."

"April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four."

Mark Twain, American Author

Humor, April, Fool, Day

14

"They lack suggestive power. And when a book lacks suggestive power, however hard it hits the surface of the mind it cannot penetrate within."

"They lack suggestive power. And when a book lacks suggestive power, however hard it hits the surface of the mind it cannot penetrate within."

Virginia Woolf, British Author

Humor, Vanity, Aging, Appearance, Change

14

"Different elevator music was playing since my last visit-that old disco song "Stayin' Alive." A terrifying image flashed through my mind of Apollo in bell-bottom pants and a slinky silk shirt."

"Different elevator music was playing since my last visit-that old disco song "Stayin' Alive." A terrifying image flashed through my mind of Apollo in bell-bottom pants and a slinky silk shirt."

Rick Riordan, American Novelist

Humor, Truth, Life, Happiness

14

"This was beyond a joke. This had moved beyond foolishness, slipped over the line into genuine 24 karat Jesus-Christ-I-fucked-up-bigtime territory."

"This was beyond a joke. This had moved beyond foolishness, slipped over the line into genuine 24 karat Jesus-Christ-I-fucked-up-bigtime territory."

Neil Gaiman, British Author

Humor, Mistake, Fallibility, Regret

14

"I've been so thoroughly incorporated into the California culture that I practice meditation and go to a therapist, even though I always set a trap: during my meditation I invent stories to keep from being bored, and in therapy I invent stories to keep from boring the psychologist."

"I've been so thoroughly incorporated into the California culture that I practice meditation and go to a therapist, even though I always set a trap: during my meditation I invent stories to keep from being bored, and in therapy I invent stories to keep from boring the psychologist."

Isabel Allende, Chilean Writer

Humor, Meditation, Therapy, Self

14

"Ben walks in the room and asks, 'What were you guys doing? Nikki says 'Nothing at the same time I say, 'Your sister and I were just makin' out."

"Ben walks in the room and asks, 'What were you guys doing? Nikki says 'Nothing at the same time I say, 'Your sister and I were just makin' out."

Simone Elkeles, American Author

Humor, Friendship, Relationship, Communication

13

"Breccan stood for a second, deep in thought of what Darius had just described. 'Dude, seriously, you gotta get a hobby. Oh, and anyone else want their mothers right now? Cause, damn, that was some scary shit,' he added."

"Breccan stood for a second, deep in thought of what Darius had just described. 'Dude, seriously, you gotta get a hobby. Oh, and anyone else want their mothers right now? Cause, damn, that was some scary shit,' he added."

Madison Thorne Grey, American Author

Humor, Observation, Fear, Truth

13

"I don't know what this is for anyway. I mean, let me tell you what I'm never going to say to any human being, ever: 'I had hunting season off-suit in the pocket, but I've had kicker trouble with that hand often enough to fold it."

"I don't know what this is for anyway. I mean, let me tell you what I'm never going to say to any human being, ever: 'I had hunting season off-suit in the pocket, but I've had kicker trouble with that hand often enough to fold it."

Elle Lothlorien, American Novelist

Humor, Frustration, Life, Observation

13

"Crap, are you thinking what I'm thinking?""I'm thinking we have about fifteen vampires and no blood," Claire said. "Is that it?""No, I was thinking we're out of chips. Of course that's what I was thinking."

"Crap, are you thinking what I'm thinking?""I'm thinking we have about fifteen vampires and no blood," Claire said. "Is that it?""No, I was thinking we're out of chips. Of course that's what I was thinking."

Rachel Caine, Canadian Actress

Humor, Blood, Survival, Friendship

13

"Adam's response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, "He threw me out the window!"Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: "You're already dead!"

"Adam's response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, "He threw me out the window!"Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: "You're already dead!"

Maggie Stiefvater, American Author

Humor, Death, Friendship, Supernatural

13

"As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula."

"As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula."

Dave Barry, American Journalist

13

"It is more civilized to make fun of life than to bewail it."

"It is more civilized to make fun of life than to bewail it."

Seneca, Roman Philosopher

Humor, Life, Observation, Reflection

13

"I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die."

"I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die."

Oscar Wilde, Irish Dramatist

Humor, Abuse, Family, Knowledge, Death

13

"See?" she heard Shane yell at the kitchen. "She doesn't stomp around like a cattle stampede!""Bite me, Collins! No bacon for you, either!"

"See?" she heard Shane yell at the kitchen. "She doesn't stomp around like a cattle stampede!""Bite me, Collins! No bacon for you, either!"

Rachel Caine, Canadian Actress

Humor, Conflict, Emotion, Relationship

13

"He looked so frustrated and perfectly serious, and yet here we were talking about his missing seal pelt."

"He looked so frustrated and perfectly serious, and yet here we were talking about his missing seal pelt."

Katherine McIntyre, American Novelist

Humor, Frustration, Emotion, Conflict

13

"Didn't you read the invitation? There's going to be a game in a little while--the big Twister game in an hour. Make sure you eat plenty of bread."

"Didn't you read the invitation? There's going to be a game in a little while--the big Twister game in an hour. Make sure you eat plenty of bread."

Elle Lothlorien, American Novelist

Humor, Fun, Games, Preparation, Observation

13

"Nothing has to be funny, sometimes I just laugh to unclog my soul."

"Nothing has to be funny, sometimes I just laugh to unclog my soul."

TemitOpe Ibrahim, Nigerian Poet

Humor, Joy, Release, Emotion

13

"They dined on mince, and slices of quince, Which they ate with a runcible spoon; And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, They danced by the light of the moon."

"They dined on mince, and slices of quince, Which they ate with a runcible spoon; And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, They danced by the light of the moon."

Edward Lear, English Artist

Humor, Light, Moon

13

"But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret."

"But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret."

Ronald Reagan, American President

Humor, Being, Day, School

13

"From sixteen to twenty, all women, kept in humor by their hopes and by their attractions, appear to be good-natured."

"From sixteen to twenty, all women, kept in humor by their hopes and by their attractions, appear to be good-natured."

Samuel Richardson, English Novelist

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