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Humor Quotes
"You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve."
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"Flagrant, adj. I would be standing right there, and you would walk out of the bathroom without putting the cap back on the toothpaste."
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"She blinked. "Hmm? Oh, don't care. What did Anubis look like to you?""What did... he looked like a guy. So?""A good-looking guy, or a slobbering dog-headed guy?""I guess... Not the dog-headed guy.""I knew it!" Sadie pointed at me as if she'd won an argument."Good-looking. I knew it!"And with a ridiculous grin, she spun around and skipped into the house. My sister, as I may have mentioned, is a little strange."
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"My English teacher has no face. She has uncombed stringy hair that droops on her shoulders. The hair is black from her part to her ears and then neon orange to the frizzy ends. I can't decide if she had pissed off her hairdresser or is morphing into a monarch butterfly. I call her Hairwoman."
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"Tweet others the way you want to be tweeted."
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"No one, I fancy, would discredit a story that the Archbishop of Canterbury slipped on a banana skin merely because he found that a similar comic mishap had been reported of many people, and especially of elderly gentlemen of dignity."
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"That took balls.""Please," I said with a snort, "that took ovaries. Of which I have two."
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"Did we have sex?' he asked directly.For about two minutes, this might actually be fun. 'Eric, ' I said, 'we had sex in every position I could imagine, and some I couldn't. We had sex in every room in my house, and we had sex outdoors. You told me it was the best you'd ever had.' (At the time he couldn't recall all the sex he'd ever had. But he'd paid me a compliment.) 'Too bad you can't remember it, ' I concluded with a modest smile.Eric looked like I'd hit him in the forehead with a mallet. For all of thirty seconds his reaction was completely gratifying."
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"Mooooon! said the Ogre. "Tranquility". Then he pointed at the full moon. "Neil Armstrong walked in a sea of Tranquility. Then he added, "It's made of cheese. But you have to take off the plastic before you put it on a burger.Mickey sighed."What's his story? the wraith asked."He's chocolate, Mikey said."
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"How can it not exist? What does that- A tiny grey body shot in front of the Land Rover. "Squirrel!Mad Rogan swerved to the side, trying to avoid the suicidal beast. The SUV hit a curb and jumped. For a terrifying second, we almost flew, weightless. My heart leaped into my throat. The heavy vehicle landed back on the pavement with a thud. The squirrel leapt into the grass on the other side.I remembered to breathe. "Thank you for not killing the squirrel."You're welcome, although now I want to go back and strangle it."
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"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."
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"Avoid the stage of old age sit in the audience, it's all the rage."
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"It's funny how different people are. If I'd been this kid and someone was snarling "Ordering a pizza?" at me, without even thinking, I would have snarled back "Yeah. You want pepperoni?""
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"My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me."
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"One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious."
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"The cybernetic operation?""No, the sex change."The doctor's smile faltered."I'm joking."
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"Whistler,' Manet called. 'How's your mother?"
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"Barbarians are all alike... sit up half the night to discuss anything a Roman says."
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"The Swendish queen- whose name I couldn't pronounce to save my life."
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"When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind."
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"This blue shirt i have is practically the same color as my jeans, and looking all-blue is something only cookie monster can pull off."
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"There is a great need for a sarcasm font."
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"There are no good tights, It s all such a rare sight... Gently, I put one in. Holes are within! They re only good for a fight."
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"He was the sort of person who stood on mountaintops during thunderstorms in wet copper armour shouting "All the Gods are bastards.""
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"I'm going to wake Peeta," I say."No, wait," says Finnick. "Let's do it together. Put our faces right in front of his."Well, there's so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. "Peeta. Peeta, wake up," I say in a soft, singsong voice.His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we've stabbed him. "Aa!"Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again."
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"Can I come in?No! I'm in a towel!I'm blind!"
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"Why, how much did you tip him?'Ford named a figure again.'I don't know how much it is,' said Arthur. 'What's it worth in pounds sterling? What could it buy you?''It would probably buy you, roughly... er...' Ford screwed his eyes up as he did some calculations in his head. 'Switzerland,' he said at last."
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"I like to think of it less as embezzling and more as an involuntary goodwill contribution."
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"I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny."
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"If you count sheep before you go to sleep, are you barrrrr'd from dreams?"
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"More wine," Lightsong said, raising his cup."You can't get drunk, Your Grace," Llarimar noted. "Your body is immune to all toxins.""I know," Lightsong said as a lesser servant filled his cup. "But trust me-I'm quite good at pretending."
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"Estragon: They're too bigVladimir: Perhaps you'll have socks some day."
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"It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off."
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"When I die of heart failure the next time you frighten me like that, you can put that on my gravestone-'I didn't mean to startle her."
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"You're kidding," Shane said. "Do you think I want to visit Crazy McTeeth in his lair of insanity?""No," Claire said, "but I'm pretty sure you won't like it if I go alone when I just kind of promised to be with you. So...?""Right. I've been missing Nutty McFang anyway.""Stop making up names for him.""What about Count Crackula?""Just stop."
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"Ridcully sighed.'All right, you fellows,' he said. 'No magic at Table, you know the rules. Who's playing silly buggers?'The other senior wizards stared at him.'I, I, I don't think we can play it any more,' said the Bursar, who at the moment was only occasionally bouncing off the sides of sanity, 'I, I, I think we lost some of the pieces..."
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"Jealous?""Maybe.""No reason. I like my ladies with a pulse."
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