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"Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught."
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"Edible - good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm."
Man
"Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another."
Crime
"The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge."
Knowledge
"The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations."
History
"Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art."
Art
"Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly."
Family
"Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly."
Trust
"It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better."
Change
"Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion."
Religion
"Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age."
Life
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
Author Name
Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I don't think it's possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor."
Author Name
Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I'm trying to remember how you tell the time by looking at the sun." -"I should leave it for a while, it's too bright to see the numbers at the moment."
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Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Comedy strikes here... just to reduce pressure and depression."
Author Name
Personal Development
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