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"I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear."
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"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."

"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."

"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
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"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."

"Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

"Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea."
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