"I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear."

Humor, Afterlife, Death, Skepticism

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"I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear."

Exlpore more Humor quotes

"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"

Anthony Liccione, American Author

Humor, Trust, Mistake, Learning

"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."

Michael Bassey Johnson, Nigerian Philosopher

Humor, Comedy, Stupidity, Life, Love

"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Confusion, Logic, Irony

"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"

C. JoyBell C., American Author

Humor, Self, Life, Joy

"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."

Richelle Mead, American Author

Humor, Dance, Sex, Judgment

"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Women, Needs, Attention

"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Weight, Warning, Technology

"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."

Matshona Dhliwayo, Zimbabwean Philosopher

Humor, Marriage, Change, Responsibility, Life

"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"

Chuck Palahniuk, American Novelist

Humor, Death, Danger, Irony

"I went to the kitchen and felt-up the turkey."

Charles Bukowski, American Author

Humor, Action, Life, Absurdity

Explore more quotes by Woody Allen

"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."

Now

"Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

Relationship

"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?"

Dream

"I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak."

Life

"It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to."

Creativity

"I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year then I'm going to Lourdes."

Spiritual

"Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's."

Self

"Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea."

Money

"Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic."

Science

"I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics."

Relationship