Humor Quotes | Beyond Motive 15/37

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Humor Quotes

"There are no perfect people - except of course my wife's first husband."

"There are no perfect people - except of course my wife's first husband."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, People, Marriage, Husband

2

"Who knows, he may grow up to be President someday, unless they hang him first!"

"Who knows, he may grow up to be President someday, unless they hang him first!"

Mark Twain, American Author

Humor, President, Growth, Fate, Future

1

"As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula."

"As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula."

Dave Barry, American Journalist

1

"My life has been one great big joke, a dance that's walked a song that's spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself."

"My life has been one great big joke, a dance that's walked a song that's spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself."

Maya Angelou, American Poet

Humor, Life, Dance, Song

1

"Hollywood is a place where a man can get stabbed in the back while climbing a ladder."

"Hollywood is a place where a man can get stabbed in the back while climbing a ladder."

William Faulkner, American Novelist

Humor, Hollywood, Man

1

"Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today."

"Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today."

Mark Twain, American Author

Humor, Nothing, Today

1

"It is more civilized to make fun of life than to bewail it."

"It is more civilized to make fun of life than to bewail it."

Seneca, Roman Philosopher

Humor, Life, Observation, Reflection

1

"GreenHollyWood is a bad character, fat, liking jokes, liking jokes about size, about the large, about the how big are you. Likes to laugh when you make a mistake, ... but but he is a teacher?! With a glasses a fat guy!"

"GreenHollyWood is a bad character, fat, liking jokes, liking jokes about size, about the large, about the how big are you. Likes to laugh when you make a mistake, ... but but he is a teacher?! With a glasses a fat guy!"

Deyth Banger, American Blogger

Humor, Truth, Wisdom, Power

1

"Mr. Bennet, how can you abuse your own children in such a way? Youtake delight in vexing me. You have no compassion for my poor nerves.""You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. Theyare my old friends. I have heard you mention them with considerationthese last twenty years at least."

"Mr. Bennet, how can you abuse your own children in such a way? Youtake delight in vexing me. You have no compassion for my poor nerves.""You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. Theyare my old friends. I have heard you mention them with considerationthese last twenty years at least."

Jane Austen, British Writer

Humor, Marriage, Family, Nerves

1

"To put an arrogant 'famous' singer in her place: pretend to be deaf."

"To put an arrogant 'famous' singer in her place: pretend to be deaf."

Mokokoma Mokhonoana, South African Philosopher

Humor, Arrogance, Fame, Humility, Ignorance

1

"I'm very fond of experimental housekeeping."

"I'm very fond of experimental housekeeping."

Jane Austen, British Writer

Humor, Home, Housekeeping, Activity

1

"He has a head that is for rent unfurnished."

"He has a head that is for rent unfurnished."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Mind, Identity, Self

1

"Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions."

"Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions."

Criss Jami, American Philosopher

Humor, Truth, Wisdom, Life, Power

1

"Big fat hairy monkey, hands a couple of octaves wide?"

"Big fat hairy monkey, hands a couple of octaves wide?"

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Truth, Wisdom, Happiness

1

"But I see you're not standing in a bleedin' shadow, Perks, nor have you done anything to change your bleedin' shape, you're silhouetted against the bleedin' light and your sabre's shining like a diamond in a chimney-sweep's bleedin' ear'ole! Explain!"It's because of the one C, sarge!" said Polly, still staring straight ahead. "And that is?" "Colour, sarge! I'm wearing bleedin' red and white in a bleedin' grey forest, sarge!"

"But I see you're not standing in a bleedin' shadow, Perks, nor have you done anything to change your bleedin' shape, you're silhouetted against the bleedin' light and your sabre's shining like a diamond in a chimney-sweep's bleedin' ear'ole! Explain!"It's because of the one C, sarge!" said Polly, still staring straight ahead. "And that is?" "Colour, sarge! I'm wearing bleedin' red and white in a bleedin' grey forest, sarge!"

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, War, Awareness, Perception

1

"Wintertime is the best time of the year to get really fat."

"Wintertime is the best time of the year to get really fat."

Alin Sav, Romanian Author

Humor, Winter, Relaxation, Life

1

"The only place you will find love before sacrifice is in the dictionary."

"The only place you will find love before sacrifice is in the dictionary."

Matshona Dhliwayo, Zimbabwean Philosopher

Humor, Love, Sacrifice, Dictionary

1

"Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired."

"Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired."

Mark Twain, American Author

Humor, Work, God, End, Man

1

"American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it."

"American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it."

Dave Barry, American Journalist

1

"They dined on mince, and slices of quince, Which they ate with a runcible spoon; And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, They danced by the light of the moon."

"They dined on mince, and slices of quince, Which they ate with a runcible spoon; And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, They danced by the light of the moon."

Edward Lear, English Artist

Humor, Light, Moon

1

"Someone told me the delightful story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and gave the key to his best friend for safekeeping, in case of his death. He had ridden only a few miles away when his friend, riding hard, caught up with him, saying 'You gave me the wrong key!"

"Someone told me the delightful story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and gave the key to his best friend for safekeeping, in case of his death. He had ridden only a few miles away when his friend, riding hard, caught up with him, saying 'You gave me the wrong key!"

Anais Nin, American Author

Humor, Trust, Mistake, Friendship

1

"Hermes has threatened me with slow mail. lousy Internet service and a horrible stock market if i publish this story. I hope he is just bluffing."

"Hermes has threatened me with slow mail. lousy Internet service and a horrible stock market if i publish this story. I hope he is just bluffing."

Rick Riordan, American Novelist

Humor, Truth, Power, Life

1

"Yeah, well. I don't try to be awesome. It just comes natural."

"Yeah, well. I don't try to be awesome. It just comes natural."

Rick Riordan, American Novelist

Humor, Confidence, Power, Today

1

"From sixteen to twenty, all women, kept in humor by their hopes and by their attractions, appear to be good-natured."

"From sixteen to twenty, all women, kept in humor by their hopes and by their attractions, appear to be good-natured."

Samuel Richardson, English Novelist

1

"Behold!" Percy shouted. "The god's chosen beverage. Tremble before the horror of Diet Coke!"

"Behold!" Percy shouted. "The god's chosen beverage. Tremble before the horror of Diet Coke!"

Rick Riordan, American Novelist

Humor, Life, Power, Fantasy

1

"Bumper sticker: Driver carries no cash - he has a son in college."

"Bumper sticker: Driver carries no cash - he has a son in college."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, College, Money, Family

1

"Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting."

"Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting."

Dave Barry, American Journalist

Humor, Fish, Fishing

1

"Stupid quotes are only Twitters in disguise."

"Stupid quotes are only Twitters in disguise."

Shannon L. Alder, American Author

Humor, Quotes, Criticism, Truth

1

"When a man bleeds inwardly, it is a dangerous thing for himself; but when he laughs inwardly, it bodes no good to other people."

"When a man bleeds inwardly, it is a dangerous thing for himself; but when he laughs inwardly, it bodes no good to other people."

Charles Dickens, English Novelist

Humor, People, Man

1

"The smartest thing I ever said was "Help Me!""

"The smartest thing I ever said was "Help Me!""

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Help, Humility, Speech, Support

1

"Arguing with my wife is like this: "I came! I saw! I concurred!""

"Arguing with my wife is like this: "I came! I saw! I concurred!""

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Argument, Wife, Speech

1

"Even fools say something worthwhile now and again. Even a blind pig finds an acorn sometimes."

"Even fools say something worthwhile now and again. Even a blind pig finds an acorn sometimes."

Robert Jordan, American Author

Humor, Fools, Worth, Chance, Insight

1

"Getting some redecorating ideas?' Nico asked. 'Maybe you could do your dining room in mediaeval monk skulls.' Hades arched an eyebrow. 'I can never tell when you're joking."

"Getting some redecorating ideas?' Nico asked. 'Maybe you could do your dining room in mediaeval monk skulls.' Hades arched an eyebrow. 'I can never tell when you're joking."

Rick Riordan, American Novelist

Humor, Truth, Happiness, Power

1

"Thanks for the nice introduction. Next to my resume that's the closest I'll ever come to perfection."

"Thanks for the nice introduction. Next to my resume that's the closest I'll ever come to perfection."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Resume, Perfection, Introduction

1

"When Julia Child was asked to what she credited her longevity she replied "Red meat and gin.""

"When Julia Child was asked to what she credited her longevity she replied "Red meat and gin.""

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Longevity, Food, Drink

1

"A secretary must think like a man act like a lady look like a girl - and work like a dog."

"A secretary must think like a man act like a lady look like a girl - and work like a dog."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Thinking, Act, Work

1

"Persistent prophecy is a familiar way of assuring the event."

"Persistent prophecy is a familiar way of assuring the event."

George Gissing, British Novelist

Humor, Prophecy

1

"In the daylight we knowwhat's gone is gone,but at night it's different.Nothing gets finished,not dying, not mourning."

"In the daylight we knowwhat's gone is gone,but at night it's different.Nothing gets finished,not dying, not mourning."

Margaret Atwood, Canadian Novelist

Humor, Fashion, Change, Influence, Style

1

"Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?I didn't think it polite to listen, sir."

"Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?I didn't think it polite to listen, sir."

Oscar Wilde, Irish Dramatist

Humor, Politeness, Listening, Conversation

1

"OH, THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING IN THE STOCKING THAT MAKES A NOISE, said Death. OTHERWISE, WHAT IS 4:30 A.M. FOR?"

"OH, THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING IN THE STOCKING THAT MAKES A NOISE, said Death. OTHERWISE, WHAT IS 4:30 A.M. FOR?"

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Tradition, Joy, Wisdom

1

"The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand."

"The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand."

Matshona Dhliwayo, Zimbabwean Philosopher

Humor, Wife, Wallet, Hand, Love

1

"The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes."

"The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Metaphor, Comparison

1

"If you are surprised at the number of our maladies count our cooks."

"If you are surprised at the number of our maladies count our cooks."

Seneca, Roman Philosopher

Humor, Observation, Numbers, Curiosity, Life

1

"The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year."

"The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year."

Mark Twain, American Author

Humor, April, Day, First

1

"He wouldn't give a duck a drink if he owned Lake Michigan."

"He wouldn't give a duck a drink if he owned Lake Michigan."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Generosity, Greed, Selfishness

1

"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."

"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."

Francis Bacon, English Philosopher

Humor, Imagination, Man, Sense

1

"What men usually ask of God when they pray is that two and two not make four."

"What men usually ask of God when they pray is that two and two not make four."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Prayer, Desire, Logic

1

"You have to understand, having a good time is not my idea of having a good time."

"You have to understand, having a good time is not my idea of having a good time."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Fun, Perspective, Personality

1

"I have avoided becoming stale by putting a little water on the plate, lying on the plate, and having myself refreshed in a toaster oven for 23 minutes once every month."

"I have avoided becoming stale by putting a little water on the plate, lying on the plate, and having myself refreshed in a toaster oven for 23 minutes once every month."

Dean Koontz, American Author

Humor, Lying, Water

1

"It's not that I'm too particular. It's just that I'm going to wait for Dr. Right."

"It's not that I'm too particular. It's just that I'm going to wait for Dr. Right."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Love, Waiting, Choice

1

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