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"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
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Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
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Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
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Personal Development
"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
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Personal Development
"I went to the kitchen and felt-up the turkey."
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"Truth is so hard to tell, it sometimes needs fiction to make it plausible."
Truth
"Judges must beware of hard constructions and strained inferences, for there is no worse torture than that of laws."
Justice
"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."
Humor
"Natural abilities are like natural plants, that need pruning by study; and studies themselves do give forth directions too much at large, except they be bounded in by experience."
Experience
"As the births of living creatures are at first ill-shapen, so are all innovations, which are the births of time."
Time
"Small amounts of philosophy lead to atheism, but larger amounts bring us back to God."
God
"The momentous thing in human life is the art of winning the soul to good or evil."
Life
"The remedy is worse than the disease."
Moderation
"Fortune is like the market, where, many times, if you can stay a little, the price will fall."
Fortune
"Many a man's strength is in opposition, and when he faileth, he grows out of use."
Strength
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