"Eighty percent of success is showing up."

"God is silent. Now if only man would shut up."

"One must have one's delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes unbearable because it's a pretty grim enterprise, you will admit."

"You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans."

"Marriage is the death of hope."

"Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue."

"Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there."

"I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders."

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

"I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!"

"Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun."

"If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse."

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness."

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."

"I'm going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I'll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead."

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."

"If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job."

"There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope."

"Ninety percent of living is just showing up."

"I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."

"I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland."

"Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right."

"Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"Tradition is the illusion of permanance."

"Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words."

"Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right."

"I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend."

"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."

"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."

"I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."

"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse."

"Seventy percent of success in life is showing up."

"The best thing to do is to behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen and under try not to go bald."

"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."

"The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small."

"What is fascinating is that it is physical. You know, that's one thing about intellectuals, they've proved that you can be absolute brilliant and have no idea what's going on. But on the other hand, the body doesn't lie, as we now know. Nono, it'll be great, because all of those ph.Ds are in there, like, discussing modes of alienation, and we'll be in here quietly humping."

"If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead."

"I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100."

"If I could only see one miracle just one miracle. Like a burning bush or the seas part or my uncle Sasha pick up a check."

"Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness."