"Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need."

"America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few."

"The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing."

"If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep."

"A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people."

"I read about eight newspapers in a day. When I'm in a town with only one newspaper, I read it eight times."

"Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth."

"So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."

"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself."

"Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week."

"So let's be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way."

"I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him "father.""

"Prohibition is better than no liquor at all."

"There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail."

"The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it."

"The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats."

"If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress."

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."

"Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction."

"Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have."

"About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation."

"Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else."

"Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators."

"People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide."

"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save."

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."

"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."

"I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago."

"When ignorance gets started it knows no bounds."

"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip."

"On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does."

"All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance."

"Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth."

"When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states."

"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."

"If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics."

"There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators."

"I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat."

"Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far."

"I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one."

"A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries."

"Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth."

"There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in."

"This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer."

"What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds."

"It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts."

"There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."

"The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How is the president?""

"Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff."

"Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious."