"In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing."

"Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects."

"The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it's been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking."

"Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches."

"We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others."

"We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?"

"Never miss a good chance to shut up."

"Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do."

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

"I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies."

"This thing of being a hero, about the main thing to it is to know when to die."

"The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected."

"Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with."

"If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing."

"People's minds are changed through observation and not through argument."

"The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office."

"Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated."

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."

"You've got to go out on a limb sometimes because that's where the fruit is."

"Never let yesterday use up too much of today."

"Even though you are on the right track - you will get run over if you just sit there."

"The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living."

"When you put down the good things you ought to have done and leave out the bad things you did do - well that's memoirs."

"We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can."

"It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for."

"It isn't what we don't know that gives us trouble, it's what we know that ain't so."

"Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need."

"America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few."

"The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing."

"If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep."

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."

"A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people."

"I read about eight newspapers in a day. When I'm in a town with only one newspaper, I read it eight times."

"Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth."

"So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."

"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself."

"I'm not a member of any organized party I'm a Democrat."

"Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week."

"So let's be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way."

"I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him "father.""

"Prohibition is better than no liquor at all."

"An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's."

"There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail."

"The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it."

"The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats."

"If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress."

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."

"Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction."

"Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have."

"About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation."