"When I'm in the car, I want the only one shouting to be me."

"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."

"A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too."

"The best and brightest don't go into politics. The best and brightest are at Goldman Sachs."

"Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it."

"Obama's space policy doesn't differ much from George W. Bush's."

"My dad died when I was young; my mom remarried with more haste than sense to a fellow... he wasn't evil or anything, but he was worthless."

"No Americans wants to see somebody lose their house because of health bills. Their boat? Maybe. Maybe the boat. But not the house."

"Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue."

"Sheep farming is heavily subsidized in Great Britain. Without the subsidies, the green grazing in the valley of the River Exe would be gone. The handsome agricultural landscape of which the British are so proud, carefully husbanded since Boudicca's day, would be replaced by natural growth. The most likely growth is real-estate developments."

"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."

"I understand Twitter has become popular among politicians. This technology allows them to stay in perpetual contact with their constituents. The electorate now has instant information about what politicians have been up to."

"Infant mortality and life expectancy are reasonable indicators of general well-being in a society."

"Americans appreciate bad taste or America wouldn't look the way America does."

"Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate."

"Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort."

"In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character."

"Medical researchers don't know much about head lice because they don't much care. The reason that they don't much care is, paradoxically, that they know a lot. That is, they know one important thing: there is no evidence that head lice transmit disease."

"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."

"Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife."

"When you pay a hospital bill, you're really paying two hospital bills - one bill for you because you have a job and/or insurance and can pay the hospital. and another bill, which is tacked onto your bill, to cover the medical expenses of someone who doesn't have a job and/or insurance and can't pay the hospital."

"Gay marriage acceptance is happening in the blink of an eye."

"I'm too tough and sensitive to have to have some pubescent twerp with his mom's earring in his tongue, who combs his hair with Redi-Whip and has an Ani DiFranco tattoo on his shin, come show me how a computer works."

"People are all exactly alike. There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be the same breed. George Bush and an Australian Aborigine have fewer differences than a Lhasa apso and a toy fox terrier. A Japanese raised in Riyadh would be an Arab. A Zulu raised in New Rochelle would be an orthodontist. People are all the same, though their circumstances differ terribly."

"Tel Aviv is new, built on the sand dunes north of Jaffa in the 1890s, about the same time Miami was founded. The cities bear a resemblance in size, site, climate, and architecture, which ranges from the bland to the fancifully bland."

"Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers."

"A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat."

"Tom DeLay may or may not have broken campaign finance laws, but he did his best to look like he was breaking them."

"We all know how 'modern democracies take loaves from the wealthy.' It's the slipups in the 'pass them out to the poor' department that inspire a study of Economics."

"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."

"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely."

"After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi."

"Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies."

"There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner."

"If government were a product, selling it would be illegal."

"The First Amendment only says 'Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.' It can disrespect all it wants."

"Something that confirms all fears and many conspiracy theories about government is finding out what our elected representatives would put into law if they could."

"Call a man 'ignorant,' and you have license to show the world your vast fund of knowledge and wise him up."

"There is the love and marriage and family kind of happiness, which is exceedingly boring to describe but nonetheless is important to have and dreadful not to have."

"Political pundits are under professional obligation to regard the obvious as being too obvious."

"People are always angry at America. They're absolutely certain that America either caused their problems or is deliberately not fixing their problems. But the anger is always directed at America and never at Americans."

"There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages."

"Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present."

"Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective."

"Everybody wants to save the Earth, nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes."

"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."

"There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon."

"The average IQ in America is-and this can be proven mathematically-average."

"We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it."

"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators."