"My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings."

"People read me but they don't subscribe."

"I was born nine months premature."

"I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road."

"I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it."

"I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger."

"I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time."

"I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights."

"I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out."

"A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked."

"At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?"

"After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride."

"I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me."

"My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality."

"They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults."

"Do you know it was a year a ago today?"

"My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless."

"My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings."

"I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world."

"I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out."

"Did you know that today will never be tomorrow."

"A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock."

"I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough."

"My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese."

"I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm."

"I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness."