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"Did you know that today will never be tomorrow."

Jay London, American Comedian

Today, Tomorrow, Will

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"Did you know that today will never be tomorrow."

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"I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time."

"I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out."

"I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out."

"Do you know it was a year a ago today?"

"My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings."

"At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?"

"I was born nine months premature."

"I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it."

"People read me but they don't subscribe."

"My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese."

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