"Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time."

"I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away."

"I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker."

"When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"

"So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family."

"Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"

"TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can't be sure. If it happens, I'll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it'll be today again."

"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think."

"You're just another american who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being shoved up your asshole every day... The owners of this country know the truth... it's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it!"

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet."

"The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept."

"One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like."

"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work."

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal. It's a matter of how you pick them."

"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."

"On school uniforms Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German."

"I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up."

"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."

"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."

"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

"It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth."

"It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya."

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

"If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?"

"Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff."

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

"I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I think is important. Words are my work, they're my play. They're my passion. Words are all we have really. We have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. And, then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought. So be careful with words. The same words that hurt can heal."

"You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it."

"And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me."

"Sports fans eat shit."

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"It's never just a game when you're winning."

"Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.Me, I'm still waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'!"

"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot."

"Religion is just mind control."

"I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show."

"I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate."

"Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul, now it's trying to save its body."

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."