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All Quotes Collection
"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'"
49
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."
Want,
46
"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."
38
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
20
"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?"
19
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
51
"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."
38
"The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have."
64
"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."
233
"Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words."
22
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good."
102
"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down ."
42
"My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker."
58
"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."
68
"Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there."
24
"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
28
"I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."
45
"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."
God,
29
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
25
"Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down."
41
"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."
17
"He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian."
41
"His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."
47
"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."
17
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
53
"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
91
"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear."
22
"I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."
46
"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."
34
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