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Humor Quotes
"You never want to look in a mirror,' Lula said. 'Men love mirrors. They look at themselves doing the deed and they see Rex the Wonder Horse. Women look at themselves and think they need to renew their membership at the gym."
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"Has anybody ever seen a drama critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after dark, up to no good."
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"I turned and found Dionysus standing there, still in his black suit.Walk with me, he said.Where to? I asked suspiciously.Just to the campfire, he said. "I was beginning to feel better, so Ithought I would talk with you a bit. You always manage to annoy me.Uh, thanks."
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"Infidel n: in New York one who does not believe in the Christian religion in Constantinople one who does."
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"Wow. Whoops. Sorry. ... I just lost two hours inside a YouTube kitten warp."
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"These cumbersome vehicles were as convenient as if dinosaurs had survived to be used by cowboys for driving cattle."
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"Once he gets to the fort the colonel turns to John Wayne and says, "I did see a few Indians on the way over here." And John Wayne, with this really cool look on his face, replies, 'Don't worry. If you were able to spot some Indians, that means there weren't any there.' I don't remember the actual lines, but it went something like that. Do you get what he means?"
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"I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple."
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"I could've knocked the shit out of her .She'd have good reason to roll her eyes then. But knocking the shit out of rude people wasn't my style. Heckling them every chance I got was. Hopefully she'd screw up soon. I didn't have all day."
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"When the dog bites, when the bee stings... I simply remember I have a boyfriend and suddenly things don't seem quite so completely shit."
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"Can I brush your hair? she asked as she led the way, her disposition doing a 180 on a dime. Kids. Can't live with 'em. Can't eat 'em for lunch."
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"You look like a hot tamale.'That's not really a compliment."
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"Brenna Kelly, meet Alice Price-Healy. Grandma, meet Breanna. No one is shooting, stabbing or immolating anyone in this hotel room.''Please,' added Dominic. 'I have to sleep here.''HAIL!' Rejoiced the mice. 'HAIL THE LACK OF STABBING, SHOOTING AND FLAME!"
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"Girl scouts didn't teach me what to do with emotionally unstable drunk boys."
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"If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat."
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"Some say Twitter is overrated.Some love it, others hate it.I guess it depends on what you've got,If you have guts to write a funny plot!"
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"A bird in the hand was worth two in the bush, he told her, to which she retorted that a proverb was the last refuge of the mentally destitute."
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"Don't sulk. you're acting just like a man."
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"He soon acquired the forlorn look that one sees in vegetarians."
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"It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen."
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"We are not going to die." Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. "We're not?" "No. And do you know why?" He shook his head. "Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I'm too stubborn to die." I hauled on the shirt even harder. "And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die."
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"Translating from #cat is easy - you just ignore everything, then you decide what you want it to have said, thought, or wanted."
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"When people are doing their utmost to upset you, it's probably best to just laugh at them."
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"I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6."
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"A bit of sniffles and men are more work than a brood of babies."
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"Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful!"
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"Irony is a gift of the gods, the most subtle of all the modes of speech. It is an armour and a weapon; it is a philosophy and a perpetual entertainment; it is food for the hungry of wit and drink to those thirsting for laughter..."
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"There is never a bad joke, it's adressing to a wrong audience that makes it look bad!"
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"Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people."
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"He is limp and damp and milder than the breath of a cow."
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"Anthony Bridgerton leaned back in his leather chair,and then announced, "I'm thinking about getting married."Benedict Bridgerton, who had been indulging in a habit his mother detested-tipping his chair drunkenly on the back two legs-fell over.Colin Bridgerton started to choke.Luckily for Colin, Benedict regained his seat with enough time to smack him soundly on the back, sending a green olive sailing across the table.It narrowly missed Anthony's ear."
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"Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich."
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"Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes."
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"Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever."
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"You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve."
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