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Quotes by Comedian
"Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself, only hope questions itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often. Like when a bumblebee flies or an ancient regime is toppled."
19
"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."
19
"Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:Yes.Yes.No.One time in high school.Three times in my twenties.Rocks no salt.Yes.Four.Never. And how dare you!I will take no further questions."
19
"People looking at advertisements or reading their local newspapers would have had no idea that what they were reading was bought and paid for with their tax dollars."
19
"I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate."
19
"I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it."
19
"Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul, now it's trying to save its body."
19
"I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it"
19
"I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger."
19
"It's a little weird that I'm getting an award for being nice and generous and kind... which is what we're all supposed to do for one another. That's the point of being human. I think that kindness is an innate quality that we all have. We need to see more of it in the world. I want everyone to know that we all really, really love one another. Deep down, we all love one another. We need to get back to that. My wish is that we all try."
19
"When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything."
19
"I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am."
19
"TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can't be sure. If it happens, I'll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it'll be today again."
19
"The words 'Space Age' have a quaint, nostalgic tone - sitting on midcentury modern furniture watching 'The Jetsons.'"
19
"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."
19
"I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker."
19
"The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop."
18
"You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble."
18
"I grew up going to public school, and they were huge public schools. I went to a school that had 3,200 kids, and I had grade school classes with 40-some kids. Discipline was rigid. Most of the learning was rote. It worked."
18
"School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic - I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit."
18
"Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius."
18
"Teasing and a sense of humor, if you can develop that in your kids, and if you can exercise it with the kids, just makes for a pleasanter atmosphere."
18
"I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's."
18
"It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so."
18
"Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple."
18
"First of all understand that I get it. That there are millions and millions of women who are steely eyed realists. And millions and millions of men who are anything but. However. For lack of a better term I would say that the feminine values are the values of america :Sensitivity is more important than Truth. Feeling are more important than Facts. Commitment is more important than Individuality. Children are more important than People. Safety is more important than Fun.I always hear women say 'Y'know married men live longer'. Yes. And an indoor cat also, lives longer."
18
"To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while."
18
"Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom."
18
"Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us."
18
"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."
18
"Horses and horsepower alike are about status and being cool."
18
"President-elect Bush spoke in a forceful and candid manner that it is his passion that all children should have access to a first class education."
18
"Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns."
18
"More modern poetry is written than read."
18
"I think everybody should have the same anger towards the injustice that's happening and the hatred that's happening, and just fight it with love and compassion."
18
"Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that's what he is!"
18
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