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Humor Quotes
"If you have to explain your sense of humor, then you are performing for the wrong crowd."
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"Then Leo realized something was blocking the middle of his view. Something large and fuzzy, and so close, Leo had to cross his eyes to see it properly. It was a large, ugly face. "Holy mother!" he yelped. The face backed away and came into focus. Staring down at him was a beard man in grimy blue coveralls. His face was lumpy and covered with welts, as if he'd been stung by a million bees, or dragged across gravel. Possibly both. "Humph." the man said. "Holy father, boy. I should think ou know the difference by now."
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"Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it."
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"I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting."
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"As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake."
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"If my stupidity makes you smile, I rather prefer to act always as stupid."
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"Two things are infinite, a woman's patience and her husband's mistakes."
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"You're a monster.Thanks. Does this mean I get a raise?No, just a medal. The budget isn't inexhaustable."
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"Well," Ben went on,"someone should just tell her to come on home, because she can find the world's largest balls right here in Orlando, Florida. They're located in a special display case known as 'my scrotum.'" Radar laughed, and Ben continued. "I mean seriously. My balls are so big that when you order french fries from McDonald's, you can choose one of four sizes: small, medium,large, and my balls."
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"I routinely inform people when I meet them that I am like a real life version of Dory the fish, as I am very forgetful and have problems tracking conversations."
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"Sometimes it seems that haters are just fans who are in denial."
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"Housework can kill you if done right."
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"I don t listen to hoax or rumours, but I like a good sense of humour. If you are wrong, be wise, apologize. Otherwise, be kind and rewind. Gone with the wind..."
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"Agreed," I say. "It's going to be a long hour.""Maybe not that long," says Peeta." what was that you were saying just before the food arrived? Something about me ... no competition ... best thing that ever happened to you ... "" I don't remember that last part," I say, hoping it's too dim in here for the cameras to pick up my blush." Oh, that's right. That's what I was thinking," he says " Scoot over, I'm freezing."
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"Nice costume,' he said. 'Ditto. I can tell you put a lot of thought into yours.'Amusement curled his mouth. 'If you don't like it, I can take it off."
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"New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be individually wrapped in plastic, either. You're thinking of condoms."
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"For Breakfast I like my coffee warm and cozy and my eggs funny side up."
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"I am the foremost collector of velvet Elvii in the city of Chicago," I said at once. "Elvii?" Marcone inquired."The plural would be Elvises, I guess," I said. "But if I say that too often, I start muttering to myself and calling things 'my precious,' so I usually go with the Latin plural."
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"Some people might enjoy drain water if they were told it was vodka."
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"Don't care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts.Bones to Gregor."
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"I have the feeling we just made a deal with the devil, and he's going to come back and want our first-born child or something."Daemon waggled his brows. "You want kids? Because you know, practice makes--""Shut up." I shook my head and started walking."
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"God save me from fools with a little philosophy-no one is more difficult to reach."
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"I just don't- Ronan. My ears are bleeding!"Ronan turned down the music."
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"Someone told me the delightful story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and gave the key to his best friend for safekeeping, in case of his death. He had ridden only a few miles away when his friend, riding hard, caught up with him, saying 'You gave me the wrong key!"
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"Just like you silly bums, I have a personal sky god. I bow to him, as you do to your airy-fairy sod. He prefers I call him Mr. NOT."
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"Aw, you're nothing but heart, Mako. Nice valentine in your skull, by the way. Is that temporary or did the Tanaka-kai change their daimon to attract the Powerpuff Girls crowd?"
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"Some circumstantial evidence is very strong as when you find a trout in the milk."
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"It would ha' been a good deal easier, if ye'd only been a witch."
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"I had this guy's file pulled this morning, along with the rest of your neighbors. His name is Desperado.Pause. A few seconds passed. He was waiting for my reaction.'Did you say Desperado? I couldn't stop the snort of laughter that bubbled to the surface. 'Yeah, the Director confirmed. 'He changed his name when he turned eighteen. It was Melvin.I was still laughing. 'Cause Desperado is so much better than Melvin."
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"There is no way I'm going out in public like this!It seemed while I was being tormented at the salon, Bones had been out shopping. I didn't ask where he got the money from, images of old folks with their necks bleeding and their wallets missing dancing in my head. There were boots, earrings, push-up bras, skirts, and something he swore to me were dresses but only looked like pieces of dresses."
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"I like sex for breakfast, kid. I eat early and often."
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