"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic."

"I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate."

"You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar."

"Electricity is really just organized lightning."

"Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain."

"When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands."

"I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better."

"Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful!"

"Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed."

"Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be."

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"

"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."

"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

"There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi."

"I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share."

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

"I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath."

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

"Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple."

"As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up."

"THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police."

"This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen."

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."

"And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope."

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."

"Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money."

"I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories."

"They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like women. They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state."

"What do dogs do on their day off?, Can't lie around " that's their job!"

"There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords."

"Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name."

"You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble."

"Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're fucked."

"My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!"

"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."

"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect."

"How is it possible to have a civil war?"