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"Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed."
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"Your party kicked so much ass!Even though you suck so much! It's like, instead of blood, your heart pumps liquid suck! But thanks for the beer!"
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Personal Development
"The real satire starts when I'm shockingly mocked,not mockingly shocked."
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Personal Development
"He has got no good red blood in his body," said Sir James."No. Somebody put a drop under a magnifying glass, and it was all semicolons and parentheses," said Mrs. Cadwallader."
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Personal Development
"CHARTERIS [unfolding his arms in terror] No, please. Dont. As a philosopher, it's my business to tell other people the truth; but it's not their business to tell it to me. I dont like it: it hurts."
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Personal Development
"How was I supposed to know 'lucked out' means 'I got screwed over' in Australian?"
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Personal Development
"I believe the phrase you're looking for is 'too much money and not enough things to spend it on."
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Personal Development
"Where did you find that one?''I have no idea. I'm a magnet for crazies, I guess.''They must be able to sense a kindred spirit.''Your one to talk. Don't you have more hordes of the undead to lead in a glorious revolution?''Zombies not undead. There's a fine distinction. And no. Right now I'm scouting new talent. The glorious revolution comes tomorrow."
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Personal Development
"I realized women and humor were linked very closely."
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Personal Development
"A good joke doesn't necessarily need appreciation from others. One can freely laugh at one's own deserving jokes."
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Personal Development
"He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice."
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"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."
Relationship
"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."
Society
"I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in."
Philosophy
"Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name."
Self-Help
"Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal. It's a matter of how you pick them."
Philosophy
"Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed."
Humor
"You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble."
Life
"No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to."
Philosophy
"This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen."
Politics
"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."
Society
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