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Quotes by Comedian
"People say, 'Oh, politics is so polarized today,' and I'm thinking... '1861, that was polarized.'"
8
"School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic - I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit."
8
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
8
"Why isn't the word 'phonetically spelled with an 'f?"
8
"Dan: 'Ah, well, I hope this didn't have anything to do with me.'Ellen: 'No, not unless you played Cat Woman in Batman."
8
"THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police."
8
"First of all understand that I get it. That there are millions and millions of women who are steely eyed realists. And millions and millions of men who are anything but. However. For lack of a better term I would say that the feminine values are the values of america :Sensitivity is more important than Truth. Feeling are more important than Facts. Commitment is more important than Individuality. Children are more important than People. Safety is more important than Fun.I always hear women say 'Y'know married men live longer'. Yes. And an indoor cat also, lives longer."
8
"The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop."
8
"Find out who you are and be that person. That's what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come."
8
"I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share."
8
"The real axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people."
8
"New Rule: America has every right ot bitch about gas prices suddenly shooting up. How could we have known? Oh, wait, there was that teensy, tiny thing about being warned constantly over the last forty years but still creating more urban sprawl, failing to build public transport, buying gas-guzzlers, and voting for oil company shills. So, New Rule: Shut the fuck up about gas prices."
8
"Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:Yes.Yes.No.One time in high school.Three times in my twenties.Rocks no salt.Yes.Four.Never. And how dare you!I will take no further questions."
8
"Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed."
8
"New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out a Christian-based comic book instead of candy. Excuse me, Halloween isn't a time to push your beliefs. You don't see me handing out pot to kids...Okay, well not the little kids."
8
"Don't hold onto things, it will only bring you pain."
8
"Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings."
8
"Little islands of human happiness, peace, and prosperity are so exceptional at this point in history that I'm not even sure we can draw lessons from them."
8
"Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government do it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy."
8
"I get those fleeting, beautiful moments of inner peace and stillness - and then the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day, I'm a human trying to make it through in this world."
8
"I think everybody should have the same anger towards the injustice that's happening and the hatred that's happening, and just fight it with love and compassion."
8
"By the end of the 1950s, American cars were so reliable that their reliability went without saying even in car ads. Thousands of them bear testimony to this today, still running on the roads of Cuba though fueled with nationalized Venezuelan gasoline and maintained with spit and haywire."
8
"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"
8
"If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod."
8
"It's a little weird that I'm getting an award for being nice and generous and kind... which is what we're all supposed to do for one another. That's the point of being human. I think that kindness is an innate quality that we all have. We need to see more of it in the world. I want everyone to know that we all really, really love one another. Deep down, we all love one another. We need to get back to that. My wish is that we all try."
8
"In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character."
8
"I work really hard at trying to see the big picture and not getting stuck in ego. I believe we're all put on this planet for a purpose, and we all have a different purpose... When you connect with that love and that compassion, that's when everything unfolds."
8
"If we're destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one another and all that stuff, there's got to be a very powerful energy to fight that. I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that."
8
"People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do."
7
"The more aspects of life that can be moved from private reign to public realm, the better it is for politics."
7
"For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say 'Good morning, sir' or 'madam, ' depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require."
7
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
7
"It is not a surprise that a person would want to be a prophet. What's ridiculous is that other people let him."
7
"There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?"
7
"Children are far more interesting to work with than grownups. They're incredibly honest. They'll tell you exactly what they think."
7
"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."
7
"Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself, only hope questions itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often. Like when a bumblebee flies or an ancient regime is toppled."
7
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