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"Punctuality is the thief of time."
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Personal Development
"I come here with no expectations, only to profess, now that I am at liberty to do so, that my heart is and always will be...yours."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Satire is a lesson, parody is a game."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Oh, brothers! I don't care for brothers. My elder brother won't die, and my younger brothers seem never to do anything else."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I'm just trying to portray what I find ironic or humorous."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Carnal embrace is the practice of throwing one's arms around a side of beef."
Author Name
Personal Development
"What are you doing in a fast lane, snail?"
Author Name
Personal Development
"He wondered reflectively what would happen if you asked a nun where the Gents was. Probably the Pope sent you a sharp note or something."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Prices of semicolons, plot devices, prologues and inciting incidents continued to fall yesterday, lopping twenty points off the TomJones Index."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I've heard that men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with."
Author Name
Personal Development
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"America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased."
America
"Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue."
Legal
"Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce."
Marriage
"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."
Government
"In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character."
History
"A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat."
Life
"Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope."
Cows
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
Woman
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences."
Consequence
"If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult."
Health
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