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Quotes by Comedian
"The library, with its Daedalian labyrinth, mysterious hush, and faintly ominous aroma of knowledge, has been replaced by the computer's cheap glow, pesky chirp, and data spillage."
15
"Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed."
15
"Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go."
15
"A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them."
15
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380 SL convertible."
15
"New Rule: You can't put a windmill in your campaign ad if you voted against every single bill that might lead to someone building one. As long as you're sending a camera crew to a farm, why not just take a picture of actual bullshit?"
15
"Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do."
15
"Libertarianism is a way of measuring how the government and other kinds of systems respect the individual. At the core of libertarianism is the idea that the individual is sacrosanct and that anything that's done contrary to the well-being of the individual needs some pretty serious justification."
15
"When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important. It's hard to understand failure when you're going through it, but in the grand scheme of things it's good to fall down-not because you're drunk and not near stairs."
15
"I thought to myself, Join the army. It's free. So I figured while I'm here I'll lose a few pounds."
15
"Californians are people who insist on growing their own vegetables, but they won't dig up the pretty lawn, won't plant anything for fear of getting dirty, and they use fragrant bath salts from The Body Shop instead of smelly compost."
15
"Some day you will be wheeled in for a heart bypass operation, and a surgeon will be the person who is now behind the counter when you renew your car registration at the department of motor vehicles."
15
"Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there."
15
"Fiscal conservatism is just an easy way to express something that is a bit more difficult, which is that the size and scope of government, and really the size and scope of politics in our lives, has grown uncomfortable, unwieldy, intrusive and inefficient."
15
"I do have to travel a lot for speaking engagements."
15
"Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly."
15
"For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. 'Look out, Al-Qaeda---patriot on board!' I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags to go back to Afghanistan."
15
"New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you're not visiting wineries in four days because you're an oenophile, you're doing it because you're a drunk. It's the only place in America where you can pass out in a stranger's house and it's okay, because it's a B&B and you paid for it."
15
"I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block... pretty funny."
15
"I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
15
"Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment."
15
"One of the problems with being a writer is that all of your idiocies are still in print somewhere. I strongly support paper recycling."
15
"I spent a lot of time behind the Iron Curtain, and their cars were abysmal."
15
"I sometimes think that being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the Pill."
15
"Sexual harassment at work... is it a problem for the self-employed?"
15
"The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy for yourself and yourself."
14
"New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be individually wrapped in plastic, either. You're thinking of condoms."
14
"Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed many more people than cigarettes or unbuckled seat belts ever have."
14
"Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?"
14
"It is not a surprise that a person would want to be a prophet. What's ridiculous is that other people let him."
14
"You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash."
14
"Some people believe that to find happiness, you should live each day of your life as if it's your last because that way you will appreciate every single moment you have. Other people believe that you should live each day as if it's your first because then every day can be the beginning of a new journey."
14
"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."
14
"Why isn't the word 'phonetically spelled with an 'f?"
14
"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely."
14
"The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop."
14
"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."
14
"Find out who you are and be that person. That's what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come."
14
"I am saddened by how people treat one another and how we are so shut off from one another and how we judge one another, when the truth is, we are all one connected thing. We are all from the same exact molecules."
14
"The real axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people."
14
"I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush."
14
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
Car,
14
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