"If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."

"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."

"Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down."

"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."

"I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it."

"Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic."

"Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate."

"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear."

"I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."

"Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."

"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."

"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable."

"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?"

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"

"It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to."

"Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be."

"Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."

"I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear."

"Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college."

"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."

"I am two with nature."

"I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year then I'm going to Lourdes."

"How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans."

"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."

"Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right."

"I'm not the heroic type really. I was beaten up by Quakers."

"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."

"I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics."

"Showing up is 80 percent of life."

"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'"

"When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back."

"Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea."

"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."

"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

"The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you."

"The most expensive sex is free sex."

"I think being funny is not anyone's first choice."

"All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates."

"Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's."

"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."

"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."

"He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian."

"Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine."

"My brain? That's my second favorite organ."

"I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak."

"We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices..."