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Humor Quotes
"People ask me what the most important thing to take on the race is, and I always say it's a sense of humor. If you've got nothing but a sense of humor, you will survive."
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"So here I am, upside down in a woman."
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"You dickweed! Are you always stupid, or is today a special occasion?"
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"Golf was no longer the most interesting sport to the corporate czars because they found playing with natural balls much more satisfying."
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"Uh, yeah - how about a warm hell no to that request? Does that work for you? Because it works for me."
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"I feel much freer now that I am certain the pope is the Antichrist."
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"Don't pull any shit because you want to show off. "Wait a second. She looked down then back up. "Nope, I haven't grown a cock in the last few minutes. I have no need to prove whose is bigger."
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"There's nothing quite as funny as someone else's misery - Cassel Sharpe."
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"Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius."
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"Holly's theory about the army," Sharon explained.And what is it?" Denise asked, intrigued.Oh, that fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
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"If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised."
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"I want to do it too! said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless."Nope, said Nudge, shaking her head. "You stand out like a fart in church."
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"What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?"
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"You're not a woman,' he said finally. 'You're the Grim Reaper with red hair!"
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"He turned the corner and flipped me off at the same time. See? Men could multitask. I was so proud of him."
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"Ask me if I sparkle and I'll kill you where you stand. (Bones)"
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"Were you watching me sleep? Because I thought we agreed that's creepy."
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"There you go. That ego of yours getting in the way," I teased."Of what?""The perfect package."He snorted. "Let me tell you, I have the perfect--""Don't be gross."
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"Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)"
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"Behind every successful woman, there's a big prick."
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"Hey!" Sam snapped, ducking the sticky shrapnel. "Keep your snot to yourself."Dev scoffed at that. "Oh, so now you don't want to touch me, huh?" He tsked. "What is it with women? the instant you put a little slime on them, they get squeamish and have no more use for you."
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"Nobody can be more clownish, more clumsy and sententiously in bad taste than Herman Melville."
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"His eyes widened just a bit, his lips flexed. I realized he was trying not to laugh. I hate it when people find my threats amusing."
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"I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone."
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"Well," Cinder finally grumbled. "I guess that was pretty fast thinking." A relieved grin filled up Thorne's face. "We're having another moment, aren't we?" "If by a moment, you mean me not wanting to strangle you for the first time since we met, than I guess we are."
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"Imagine if you will:At the highly secretive, largely independent, inter-dimensional and (inevitably) clandestine organization called the Time Saving Agency, there is a saying that goes: 'You can't break an omelet without first making eggs'. While this may appear to be a rather flippant little idiom, there is " as is usually the case, far more to it than meets the eye."
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"Pretend you're not spending $3 to read one of my books but buying me a coffee and having a conversation about yourself."
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"How's Her Royal Bitchiness? "Alive. "Pity."
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"I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick."
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"If that's the case, waiter, please bring me another piece of cake," Gramps said as lunch was brought to the table, "I'm all for fighting tyranny and oppression."
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"It's always worrying to see a journalist take a sudden interest in what you're saying, especially when you half suspect it was a load of pigeon guano."
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"I want to do it too!" (sitting motionless)Nudge: "Nope, you stand out like a fart in a church."Max: (muttering) "Appropriately enough."Iggy: "What about me?" (stands still)Max: "No, you're visible."Iggy: "Am not!"Max: (throws a pinecone at him) "Could I do that if I wouldn't see you?"
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"Sometimes the only way to make palatable that which is appalling and apprehensive is to season it with some humor."
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"Whether planned or not, humor takes our mind off of our troubles."
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"Humor can be an incredible, lacerating and effective weapon."
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"But a cock does not enter a hen it enters a meow-meow!"
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