"Alice, it took big, dumb Talon Dodo thirty seconds to get you so pissed about a poker hand pun that you were about to beat him to death with your cane."

"Pretty great view. You think they'd do something about the sharks."

"I hear they're all infected with chlamydia, which just goes to show that you really can't tell who's got the clam. I mean, look at a picture of a koala, tell me you're not shocked."

"Did the Ancient Greeks ever write anything funny-like slapstick? I mean, I think I speak for everyone when I say that there's nothing wrong with a little bit of well-written physical comedy."

"Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say that 'Alice Faye picked a peck of pepper for the poor, piping pig in the purple poke.' Wait-is that not what we're talking about here?"

"So you went back to your friend's next donkament two weeks later, and this time you just laughed right along when they gave you that framed picture of the poker hands. And when they called you 'pigeon,' 'fish,' and 'muppet,' you just smiled and batted your eyes and said stupid things like 'Does a straight beat a crooked?' And while everyone else was throwing a party, you just sat there acting like a tourist with your kill stack until you were in the money. Those poor dills, they didn't know what hit 'em, did they?"

"The car doesn't so much drive as float above the road, like we're making our way to Sydney in a hovercraft."

"Turns out making a dramatic exit is a lot harder when you have to stand there and wait another twenty minutes for a boat to dock."

"I don't need to look at your primal, white-hot, mutant pirate eyes, big guy. Just forget that I'm there, and I'll try to block out the fact that I ever met you. Basically we'll just act like we do every day."

"When she reaches down to touch his shoulder-a gesture only a few species and a million or so years removed from lifting a leg and marking him as her territory with a stream of urine-enough bracelets and bangles to lay track across the Australian Outback slide down her arm and come to a jangling stop at her wrist."

"Wait, and you had to ask him if Faye's in danger? IF? Okay, first of all, I'm just going to admit that I didn't know Japan had a Mafia, but I also didn't know they got a Disney World. If someone gets an invitation from the Mafia, I'd say there's potential for a bit of danger, wouldn't you? I mean, am I the only one here who saw Goodfellas?"

"Faye, if you got eaten by another shark, would you please at least have the decency to say so? My time is kind of limited, if you know what I'm sayin'."

"Be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn, In that case, you should always be a unicorn."

"Locals. They'll eventually get out. They're annoyed. Like when Americans go to the lake. And it's closed. 'Cause some kid pooped in the water."

"I'll get you and your little dog too?' You say your girl can't pay me back? Believe me when I say that that little gift's just gonna keep right on giving."

"You keep right on building that fence, Faye. See what good it does you."

"Oh, yeah, that goatee is really unattractive. That definitely belongs on a much fatter man."

"After one and a half cocktails, finding the appropriate response is a bit of a challenge. I finally say, 'Thank you for inviting me,' and leave the less desirable 'Want to play strip poker?' in the unscrupulous part of my brain where it belongs."

"Right, 'the Queen of Hearts.' Sounds to me like you're just one bitch in a whole pack of cards, baby."

"No thanks, Dodo, was it? I don't know if I can watch you have performance problems twice in ten days."

"You can pay for whatever you want, but I just want to warn you that I prefer to stay at places that don't start or end with the word 'motel."

"Now see, if it were me, I wouldn't have led with that. I would've gone with something like 'G'day' or 'Wow, aren't you a little hottie?"

"The line from Pulp Fiction-the one Samuel L. Jackson shouts at John Travolta as they're trying to wash blood off their hands-pops into my head: 'I used the same soap you did and when I dried my hands, the towel didn't look like no fuckin' maxi-pad!' I almost-almost-share this most quotable of cinematic quotes with him, when I remember it contains The Word. You know: 'maxi-pad."

"That's exactly where they send entry-level diplomats. After you cut your teeth on a few civil wars and a famine or two, you might get lucky and be given a plum post somewhere in the SECOND World."

"My help-it's not a light switch you can turn on and off. My help starts right now, and after this point you don't get to tell me that you don't want it anymore. Understand? You had a chance to walk away, Alice, and you didn't take it. Now it's time to play the game."

"By the way, don't thank me for saving you, thank the lifeguards. If it was up to me, I would've just carried you off to the building by the boardwalk that said SURGERY. I'm sorry, but there's a big difference between a family doctor treating you for the sniffles, and a guy who actually owns and knows how to use an operating table."

"I think it should be obvious by now that I'm not necessarily interested in reality."

"I made sure to brush my teeth as soon as I was able. I even asked for a hair tie to pull my long, blood-red hair into a twist at the nape of my neck so I wouldn't have that 'freshly hospitalized' look."

"If one more person tells me how big this country is, I'm going to go kick a koala."

"Australians are descended from a boatload of English convicts, right? So two hundred years in isolation at the bottom of the planet is plenty of time for the language to evolve into some sort of double-speak prison slang."

"I'm not sure a real man would smoke something that sounds like a mixed drink ice cream cone."

"I slump in my chair, thinking how a narcotic party of one is no party at all."

"Okay then, I suppose you get a pass on poker intimidation for the glasses, little brother. But everyone else is wearing them at the tables too, and they're all just sitting there, looking all serious, like they're birthing the Grand Theory of Everything."

"The question is: will I get used to a menu with kilojoules instead of calories? I mean, I don't think anyone even knows how many kilojoules are in a calorie. I had to break out a whiteboard this morning and do calculus just to figure out how many calories were in a glass of water Down Under."

"When some smart ass asks you if you're driving, you say, 'Nope, just kicking the tires.' You have to make sure you actually kick them all on your way around to the passenger side. Otherwise it's like lying."

"Hey, you don't look like a rabbit."

"I believe it went like this-and stop me if I'm wrong, Mousey: 'Listen, we may not be our own continent and everything, but we have a big country over in America too."

"If you ever pull a switcheroo like that again, Dee, I'm going to offer your boyfriend ten thousand dollars to make out with Alice for two minutes."

"He's a guy. We're easy and stupid. Just go bat your eyes at him and beg for forgiveness. It'll take five minutes, three if you wear something low-cut."

"Yeah, that's exactly how I feel when I'm around you: confused, but still satisfied.' I freeze, trying to figure out how to cancel it out and replace it with something that sounds a whole lot less like sex and a candy bar ad."

"Don't make me Alice-nap you, Alice. Because you know I can carry you."

"Basic economic theory. People behave differently based on how much they think something's worth. Because everyone got their chips for free, people made huge bets on every hand-no matter what they were holding. People who play with everything on the line-for real-don't act like that."

"Yeah, well, when they say 'You know it's a long way, don't you?' what they really mean is: 'You know it'd be faster if you just rode a kangaroo, don't you?"

"Do you ever answer anything in a way that people expect you to?"

"What if it's a shy fish? Is that a 'coy koi?' What? Don't hate me because I'm asking the important questions."

"Oh, I have plenty of problems with Rabbit, it's just that my comfort level with his name is standing in line behind about a hundred more important things."

"I use the word "man loosely. A better description would be "the most beautiful specimen of Homo sapiens sapiens with a set of XY chromosomes to grace the planet Earth at this moment, or any other era, epoch, or age in history."

"I'm good at being vague and unpredictable. It's sort of a hard habit to break."

"I have a totally unhealthy and unrealistic fear of being eaten by a great white shark. This is because I belong to a very specific demographic called American Child Whose Parents Made the Ill-Advised Decision To Allow Her To Watch the Movie Jaws At a Sleepover During Her Formative Years."

"Are you referring to the day you instructed me to 'follow the white rabbit,' plied me with absinthe and brownies, and tried to have your way with me? Didn't take long for you to lose your romantic streak, did it?"