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Humor Quotes
"From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put."
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"In a way, a lot of my humor comes from presenting things that are dramatic or shocking and then people not having socially appropriate responses, having people denying the drama by failing to react to it, and that's a really classic form of humor."
8
"D'yer see it? This finger, laddie, could send ye to meet yer Maker!Sgt. Deisenburger stared at the black and purple nail a few inches from his face. As an offensive weapon it rated quite highly, especially if it was ever used in the preparation of food."
8
"I prefer male enemies to female ones, I can survive a dog's bite better than a scorpion's sting."
8
"What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin."
8
"When you put on your thinking cap make sure it's clean."
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"There are three stupids:A woman who thinks she does not deserve more, a man who believes he is superior, and a God who considers himself always right."
8
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
8
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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"A friend is one who dislikes the same people that you dislike."
8
"Because being assaulted with maxi pads is a great way to win friends and influence people."
8
"And then there were cats, thought Dog. He'd surprised the huge ginger cat from next door and had attempted to reduce it to cowering jelly by means of the usual glowing stare and deep-throated growl, which had always worked on the damned in the past. This time they had earned him a whack on the nose that had made his eyes water. Cats, Dog considered, were clearly a lot tougher than lost souls. He was looking forward to a further cat experiment, which he planned would consist of jumping around and yapping excitedly at it. It was a long shot, but it just might work."
8
"A tie is what you get after ice cubes have wrestled with hot water."
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"In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?"
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"Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal."
7
"I expected a gift, you know, something nice and useless."
7
"If I wouldn't have spent so much time shooting spit wads at my English teacher, I'd know how to punctuate. Good thing I normally write poetry."
7
"I don't believe this,' Diesel said. 'It just gets worse and worse. Bad I enough I have to play cupid to a butcher, button maker and veterinarian...now have to be sex therapist for a guy who gives people a rash."
7
"If rain is God crying, I think God is drunk and his girlfriend just slept with Zeus."
7
"I wonder if every genius has a touch of madness, does everyone that's normal have a touch or retardation?"
7
"I hate to read books but a friend said he read the dictionary and that the Zebra did it."
7
"Caroline, do you value your neck?""Yes, I'm rather fond of it. Why?""Because if you don't shut up, I'm going to wring it."
7
"Men are like dogs," Stacy was fond of saying. And she usually went on to add that, like dogs, they all took up too much space on the bed, and they always went for the crotch."
7
"Man wants to be the king o' the rabbits, he best wear a pair o' floppy ears."
7
"People who are not blessed with the ability to make others laugh compensate for that by saying (or trying to say) things that are profound."
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