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"MOTHER TO TEENAGER ON SUNDAY MORNING: I believe I heard the clock strike one when you came in last night. teen: Well I know how much you need your sleep so it was going to strike ten but I stopped it at one chime."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
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Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
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Personal Development
"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
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Personal Development
"Unless you stop him. Perhaps next we meet.""You'll be just as annoying?" I guessed.He fixed my with those warm brown eyes. "Or perhaps you could bring me up to speed on those modern courtship rituals."I sat there stunned until he gave me a glimpse of a smile-just enough to let me know he was teasing. Then he disappeared."Oh, very funny!" I yelled."
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Personal Development
"Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too."
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Personal Development
"Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes and prism, are all very good words for the lips."
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"When you go to your knees God will help you stand up to anything."
Spiritual
"Much learning doth make thee mad."
Truth
"When life throws a lemon at you, you throw it straight back at life and miss completely. That's my logic."
Humor
"An atheist's response to a creationist asking 'what if' there was a God,That would be quite an unsettling thought."
Spiritual
"Cooperation is doing with a smile what you have to do anyhow."
Character
"The future is a great land."
Hope
"Don't look back, you are not going that way."
Motivational
"It is difficult for a man laden with riches to climb the steep path, that leads to bliss."
Spiritual
"Whoever has My commandments and keeps them loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and show Myself to him."
Spiritual
"None are so blind as those who will not see."
Truth
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