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Humor Quotes
"He who makes fun of a short and fat man's weight is much less cruel than he who makes fun of his height."
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"Tobin," Mom said disapprovingly. She wasn't a particularly funny person. It suited her professionally - I mean, you don't want your cancer surgeon to walk into the examination room and be like, "Guy walks into a bar. Bartender says, 'What'll ya have?' And the guy says, 'Whaddya got?' And the bartender says, 'I don't know what I got, but I know what you got: Stage IV melanoma."
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"Dude, I don't want to talk about Lacey's prom shoes. And I'll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It's called a penis."
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"I never said nothing..."I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You've got the loudest silences I ever did hear from anyone who wasn't dead!"
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"There was this about vampires : they could never look scruffy. Instead, they were... what was the word... deshabille. It meant untidy, but with bags and bags of style."
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"When I want to. He ran his finger over her lips. "You don't get a vote, honey."
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"If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores."
7
"The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives."
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"Some kleptomaniacs do not steal things only; they also, while some only, steal lovers."
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"He gave her a sly, sideways look. "Did youbring it?""My list? Heavens, no. What can you be thinking?"His smile widened. "I brought mine."Daphne gasped. "You didn't!""I did. Just to torture Mother. I'm going peruse it right in front of her, pull out my quizzing glass-""You don't have a quizzing glass."He grinned-the slow, devastatingly wicked smile that all Bridgerton males seemed to possess. "I bought one just for this occasion.""Anthony, you absolutely cannot. She will kill you. And then, somehow, she'll find a way to blame me.""I'm counting on it."
7
"Ben, if you get pee in my brand-new car, I am going to cut your balls off."Still peeing, Ben looks over at me smirking. "You re gonna need a hell of a big knife, bro."
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"Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare, is absolutely ridiculous. So I'm changing it to 'God Hates Baguettes.' It's tough to disagree with that. Everybody hates baguettes."
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"Lovemaking is a big grammatical error, i think it should be, LustMaking."
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"I'm stuck babysitting turtle eggs while a volleyball player slash grease monkey slash aquarium volunteer tries to hit on me. I'm not hitting on you, he protested.No?Believe me, you'd know if I was hitting on you. You wouldn't be able to stop yourself from succumbing to my charms."
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"It's amazing that people actually get paid for what I'm doing on here for free."
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"What are you assholes looking at?" "Nothing," said Radar. "We're certainly not looking at your eyebrows."
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"People who wear G-strings suffer from indecision."
7
"That's different," Levi smiled at her warmly. "Ypu don't rock that Little Red Riding Hood vibe. You're scary." Reagan grinned like the Big Bad Wolf."
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"The Fool held his breath. On long nights on the hard flagstones he had dreamed of women like her. Although, if he really thought about it, not much like her; they were better endowed around the chest, their noses weren't so red and pointed, and their hair tended to flow more. But the Fool's libido was bright enough to tell the difference between the impossible and the conceivably attainable, and hurriedly cut in some filter circuits."
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"If life gets you down.Just try digging a deeper hole."
7
"She laughed. ''You seem pretty normal.''''You've never seen Ben snort Sprite up his nose and then spit it out of his mouth,'' I said.''I look like a demented carbonated fountain,'' he deadpanned."
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"It is rude to tweet while having sex. However, it is not rude to have sex while tweeting."
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"Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?"
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"She may be crazy but at least she isn't you."
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"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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"I am a mathematician and I can confidently say that the best figure ever produced is your phone number."
7
"What is it with you today? says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are stillswollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face."Oh, you know, I say. "Sun shining. Birds chirping.She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an undergroundtunnel."
6
"We can't all be comedians, some people have to do the laughing."
6
"What are you doing? Egnatious asked, eyebrows furrowed as he watched Gabriella do a flip.Firen mimicked Gabriella and turned to Egnatious. 'Fun times. Go with it. She didn't even crack a smile, though her body language said she was laughing on the inside.Instead of following their act, Egnatious simply dove for an outcrop just as it began moving away. He nearly lost his balance, but Firen caught his flailing arms.'Are you having a seizure or something? she jested, displaying a rare vein of humor.Egnatious sent her a queasy glare."
6
"To put an arrogant 'famous' singer in her place: pretend to be deaf."
6
"But I see you're not standing in a bleedin' shadow, Perks, nor have you done anything to change your bleedin' shape, you're silhouetted against the bleedin' light and your sabre's shining like a diamond in a chimney-sweep's bleedin' ear'ole! Explain!"It's because of the one C, sarge!" said Polly, still staring straight ahead. "And that is?" "Colour, sarge! I'm wearing bleedin' red and white in a bleedin' grey forest, sarge!"
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