"What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin."

Humor, Difference, Tax, Skin

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"What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin."

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"Ma'am,' Augustus said, nodding toward her, 'your daughter's car has just been deservedly egged by a blind man. Please close the door and go back inside or we'll be forced to call the police.' After wavering for a moment, Monica's mom closed the door and disappeared."

John Green, American Author

Humor, Police, Interaction, Social

"What is it with you today? says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are stillswollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face."Oh, you know, I say. "Sun shining. Birds chirping.She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an undergroundtunnel."

Veronica Roth, American Author

Humor, Sun, Birds, Morning

"Sergeant Colon of the Ankh-Morpork City Guard was on duty. He was guarding the Brass Bridge, the main link between Ankh and Morpork. From theft.When it came to crime prevention, Sergeant Colon found it safest to think big."

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Crime, Duty, Irony

"Ben, if you get pee in my brand-new car, I am going to cut your balls off."Still peeing, Ben looks over at me smirking. "You re gonna need a hell of a big knife, bro."

John Green, American Author

Humor, Friendship, Warning, Relationship

"Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare, is absolutely ridiculous. So I'm changing it to 'God Hates Baguettes.' It's tough to disagree with that. Everybody hates baguettes."

John Green, American Author

Humor, Judgment, Language, Truth

"What are you assholes looking at?" "Nothing," said Radar. "We're certainly not looking at your eyebrows."

John Green, American Author

Humor, Observation, Social, Life

"If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores."

Matshona Dhliwayo, Zimbabwean Philosopher

Humor, God, Marriage, Trouble

"When you put on your thinking cap make sure it's clean."

Matshona Dhliwayo, Zimbabwean Philosopher

Humor, Thinking, Mindset, Clarity

"Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)' I thinks she's going to break my heart' On arrival of the girl' The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!"

Christopher Moore, American Novelist

Humor, Love, Appearance, Judgment

"Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men."

Matshona Dhliwayo, Zimbabwean Philosopher

Humor, Boys, Growth, Men, Development

Explore more quotes by Mark Twain

"The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little."

Wisdom

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

Truth

"Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it."

Patriotism

"Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat."

Wisdom

"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."

Wisdom

"Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary."

Wisdom

"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."

Wisdom

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Exlpore more Humor quotes

"Ma'am,' Augustus said, nodding toward her, 'your daughter's car has just been deservedly egged by a blind man. Please close the door and go back inside or we'll be forced to call the police.' After wavering for a moment, Monica's mom closed the door and disappeared."

"What is it with you today? says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are stillswollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face."Oh, you know, I say. "Sun shining. Birds chirping.She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an undergroundtunnel."

"Sergeant Colon of the Ankh-Morpork City Guard was on duty. He was guarding the Brass Bridge, the main link between Ankh and Morpork. From theft.When it came to crime prevention, Sergeant Colon found it safest to think big."

"Ben, if you get pee in my brand-new car, I am going to cut your balls off."Still peeing, Ben looks over at me smirking. "You re gonna need a hell of a big knife, bro."

"What are you assholes looking at?" "Nothing," said Radar. "We're certainly not looking at your eyebrows."

"If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores."

"When you put on your thinking cap make sure it's clean."

"Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)' I thinks she's going to break my heart' On arrival of the girl' The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!"

"Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men."

Explore more quotes by Mark Twain

"The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little."

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

"Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it."

"Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable."

"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."

"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."

"Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat."

"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."

"Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary."

"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."