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Humor Quotes
"My imaginary pal up there, Mr. NOT, tells me it's my dog-damn ism to kick your illusory he-man's ass. Now, what do you say to that?"
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"Wizards and computers get along about as well as flamethrowers and libraries."
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"She watched him for a long moment, an adorably annoyed frown wrinkling her forehead. "You're obnoxious when you're right."
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"Calvin: Why are you crying mom?Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables."
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"Californians are people who insist on growing their own vegetables, but they won't dig up the pretty lawn, won't plant anything for fear of getting dirty, and they use fragrant bath salts from The Body Shop instead of smelly compost."
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"I am not a fan of referencing your own work when it's in a different universe than what you're doing. That, to me, is a wink at the audience, and winking isn't actually cool when you're not, like, 10."
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"I accidentally forgot to graduate from college."
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"I always pick a gorgeous time to fall over a suitcase or something."
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"I said I fell down. Ah. The ground bloodied your nose, split yer lip, and punched ye in th' eye, all at once.I said I don't want to talk about it."
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"You mean you don't want to come in and hold my hand while I piss?"
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"I hope you will excuse my being late. The person in this organization who gave me directions here has obviously heard me speak before."
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"Sex might satisfy, food might fuel, love might sustain, but without coffee, what is the point?"
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"A demigod? I repeated like I'd just learned to speak a few seconds ago. "A real, live demigod?"Opposed to a fake, dead one? He chuckled, proud of himself, and then sighed when my eyes narrowed on him. "You used to have a sense of humor, Seth."
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"I am occasionally desired by congenital imbeciles and the editors of magazines to say something about the writing of detective fiction "from the woman's point of view. To such demands, one can only say "Go away and don't be silly. You might as well ask what is the female angle on an equilateral triangle."
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"It's just another of Robin's sayings. Like, 'Holy strawberries, Batman, we're in a jam! Or, Holy Kleenex, Batman, it was right under our nose and we blew it!"
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"You cannot make this kind of decision," he said. "Go off with someone you barely know. You're seventeen.""And you're the guy who got drunk on eggnog last Christmas and danced to 'Turn The Beat Around' in Aunt Rachel's wig, so stop acting like you're in charge.""We agreed not to mention that ever again," Jason whispered furiously."
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"Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot."
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"When did you get so smart?"He tapped his forehead. "Brain transplant. They put in a whale's. I'm passing all my classes with my eyes closed now, but I just can't get over this craving for krill." He shrugged. "And I feel sorry for the whale that got my brain. Probably swimming around Florida now trying to catch glimpses of girls in bikinis."
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"Yeah, and so Max and Dylan are supposed to, like, go to Germany and have kids together," I heard Gazzy say. My eyes popped open and I bolted upright."What?" Fang said, his voice icy."Gazzy!" I yelled.Wide blue eyes looked at me in surprise, then back at Fang's stoic face. "Oh. Was I not supposed to say anything?" Gazzy asked."
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"OVERREACTING" sounds like "OVARYACTING" Coincidence? I think NOT!!"
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"Come live with us, Diana. Don't argue. Just say yes."Diana looked at the ground to hide her emotions. Then she said, "Would I have to be hearing you two going at it night and day?"
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"For those of you in the cheap seats I'd like ya to clap your hands to this one, the rest of you can just rattle your jewelry!"
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"Never fight an inanimate object."
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"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help."
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"Santa is like a queen bee. All the elves are his drones, who exist to feed him royal jelly, which I guess would be milk and cookies. If an elf escapes and eats royal cookies, it will turn into another Santa. That's what all those mall Santas are. They're trying to start their own festive colonies."
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"You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab."Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it!"
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"Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?"
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"I learned long ago that it is considered rude to vomit on your brother."
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"The reason for the peculiar name could be found in the whimsical sense of humor of the early colonists who arrived on Deanna several decades in the past and found very little at all there to laugh at. Obsidian Crows might seem funny at first, unless you just happened to ride over one with your Jeepo five miles out of town and didn't have a spare tire. Although there was a reasonable expectation of hitting one of these diminutive brutes on the roads, this did not happen nearly as often as you might think."
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"You know how both life and porno movies end. The only difference is life starts with the orgasm."
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"I'm a member of the 1960s generation. We didn't have any wisdom."
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"The obvious thing to say of his appearance was that he would have been extremely handsome if he had not been entirely bald. But, indeed, that would itself be a rather bald way of putting it. Fantastic as it sounds, it would fit the case better to say that people would have been surprised to see hair growing on him; as surprised as if they had found hair growing on the bust of a Roman emperor."
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"Oh! Do not excite yourself. Shall I say that he interested me because he was trying to grow a mustache and as yet the result is poor." Poirot stroked his own magnificent mustache tenderly. "It is an art," he murmured, "the growing of the mustache! I have sympathy for all who attempt it."
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"What do you think Dimitri? Is this a good idea, Dimitri? Please give us your blessing so that we can fall down and worship you, Dimitri."
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"It's rude to stare, but the great thing about staring at a sedated person is that they don't know you're doing it."
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"But whenever I meet dynamic, nonretarded Americans, I notice that they all seem to share a single unifying characteristic: the inability to experience the kind of mind-blowing, transcendent romantic relationship they perceive to be a normal part of living. And someone needs to take the fall for this. So instead of blaming no one for this (which is kind of cowardly) or blaming everyone (which is kind of meaningless), I'm going to blame John Cusack."
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