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"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."
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"God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal."
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Personal Development
"Small amounts of philosophy lead to atheism, but larger amounts bring us back to God."
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Personal Development
"God is not on the side of the big battalions, but on the side of those who shoot best."
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Personal Development
"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent Him."
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Personal Development
"The reader becomes God, for all textual purposes. I see your eyes glazing over, so I'll hush."
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Personal Development
"It is quite true, as some poets said, that the God who created man must have had a sinister sense of humor, creating him a reasonable being, yet forcing him to take this ridiculous posture, and driving him with blind craving for this ridiculous performance."
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Personal Development
"God's dice always have a lucky roll."
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Personal Development
"I am as bad as the worst, but, thank God, I am as good as the best."
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Personal Development
"You know what the Englishman's idea of compromise is? He says, Some people say there is a God. Some people say there is no God. The truth probably lies somewhere between these two statements."
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Personal Development
"Man is an exception, whatever else he is. If he is not the image of God, then he is a disease of the dust. If it is not true that a divine being fell, then we can only say that one of the animals went entirely off its head."
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Personal Development
Explore more quotes by Woody Allen
"Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Relationship
"I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year then I'm going to Lourdes."
Spiritual
"I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics."
Relationship
"Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be."
Writing
"The most expensive sex is free sex."
Behavior
"When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back."
Behavior
"Showing up is 80 percent of life."
Motivation
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
Action
"Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate."
Society
"Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."
Pleasure
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