"Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF."

Humor, School, Reading, Frustration

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"Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF."

Exlpore more Humor quotes

"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"

Anthony Liccione, American Author

Humor, Trust, Mistake, Learning

"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."

Michael Bassey Johnson, Nigerian Philosopher

Humor, Comedy, Stupidity, Life, Love

"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Confusion, Logic, Irony

"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"

C. JoyBell C., American Author

Humor, Self, Life, Joy

"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."

Richelle Mead, American Author

Humor, Dance, Sex, Judgment

"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Women, Needs, Attention

"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Weight, Warning, Technology

"She breathed an enormous sigh, looked at Poirot, Looked away, and suddenly blurted out, "You're too old. Nobody told me you were so old. I really don't want to be rude but - there it is. You're too old. I'm really sorry." She turned abruptly and blundered out of the room, rather like a desperate moth in lamplight. Poirot, his mouth open, heard the bang of the front door. He ejaculated: "Non d'un nom d'un nom..."

Agatha Christie, English Writer

Humor, Aging, Appearance, Truth

"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."

Matshona Dhliwayo, Zimbabwean Philosopher

Humor, Marriage, Change, Responsibility, Life

"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"

Chuck Palahniuk, American Novelist

Humor, Death, Danger, Irony

Explore more quotes by Woody Allen

"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."

Now,

"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."

Education, School, Teachers

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead."

Food, Oysters, Want, Will

"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Want,

"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear."

Change, Life

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

People, Universe, Want

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Exlpore more Humor quotes

"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"

"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."

"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."

"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"

"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."

"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."

"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."

"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."

"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"

Explore more quotes by Woody Allen

"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."

"Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness."

"If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job."

"Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there."

"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."

"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead."

"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear."

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."