"Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it."

"Always drink upstream from the herd."

"Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else."

"Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators."

"Everybody is ignorant only on different subjects."

"People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide."

"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save."

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."

"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."

"Everyone is ignorant only on different subjects."

"I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago."

"When ignorance gets started it knows no bounds."

"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip."

"On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does."

"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket."

"All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance."

"Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth."

"So get a few laughs and do the best you can."

"When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states."

"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."

"If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics."

"There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators."

"I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat."

"The more you read and observe about this Politics thing,you got to admit that each party is worse than the other.The one that's out always looks the best."

"Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far."

"I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one."

"A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries."

"Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth."

"There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in."

"This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer."

"There ain't nothing but one thing wrong with every one of us and that's selfishness."

"What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds."

"It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts."

"There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."

"The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How is the president?""

"Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff."

"Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious."

"One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide."

"America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think of nothing to do once it gets there."

"One Ad is worth more to a paper than forty Editorials."

"Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like."

"We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by."

"You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way."

"The only thing that can stop hair from falling ... is the floor."

"Everybody is ignorant, Just on different subjects."

"There are men running governments who shouldn't be allowed to play with matches."

"Communism to me is one-third practice and two-thirds explanation."

"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."

"I never met a man that I didn't like."

"The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf."