Humor Quotes | Beyond Motive 59/59

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Humor Quotes

"But I see you're not standing in a bleedin' shadow, Perks, nor have you done anything to change your bleedin' shape, you're silhouetted against the bleedin' light and your sabre's shining like a diamond in a chimney-sweep's bleedin' ear'ole! Explain!"It's because of the one C, sarge!" said Polly, still staring straight ahead. "And that is?" "Colour, sarge! I'm wearing bleedin' red and white in a bleedin' grey forest, sarge!"

"But I see you're not standing in a bleedin' shadow, Perks, nor have you done anything to change your bleedin' shape, you're silhouetted against the bleedin' light and your sabre's shining like a diamond in a chimney-sweep's bleedin' ear'ole! Explain!"It's because of the one C, sarge!" said Polly, still staring straight ahead. "And that is?" "Colour, sarge! I'm wearing bleedin' red and white in a bleedin' grey forest, sarge!"

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, War, Awareness, Perception

6

"Aubrey, crouching on a nearby counter, watched me with squinty eyes, apparently pondering why anyone would willingly immerse themselves in water ever, let alone for extended periods of time."

"Aubrey, crouching on a nearby counter, watched me with squinty eyes, apparently pondering why anyone would willingly immerse themselves in water ever, let alone for extended periods of time."

Richelle Mead, American Author

Humor, Cats, Water, Observation

6

"Is somethin' wrong?" said Daft Wullie."Aye!" snapped the kelda. "Rob willnae tak' a drink o' Special Sheep Liniment!"Wullie's little face screwed up in instant grief."Ach, the Big Man's deid!" he sobbed. "Oh waily waily waily - "Will ye hush yer gob, ye big mudlin!" shouted Rob Anybody, standing up. "I am no' deid! I'm trying to have a moment o' existential dreed here, right? Crivens, it's a puir lookout if a man cannae feel the chilly winds o' Fate lashing aroound his nethers wi'out folks telling him he's deid, eh?"

"Is somethin' wrong?" said Daft Wullie."Aye!" snapped the kelda. "Rob willnae tak' a drink o' Special Sheep Liniment!"Wullie's little face screwed up in instant grief."Ach, the Big Man's deid!" he sobbed. "Oh waily waily waily - "Will ye hush yer gob, ye big mudlin!" shouted Rob Anybody, standing up. "I am no' deid! I'm trying to have a moment o' existential dreed here, right? Crivens, it's a puir lookout if a man cannae feel the chilly winds o' Fate lashing aroound his nethers wi'out folks telling him he's deid, eh?"

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Truth, Happiness, Today, Power

6

"In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this."

"In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this."

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Gods, Cats

6

"You're a man, man. That means seeing two rocks on the ground that kind of look like tits will arouse you."

"You're a man, man. That means seeing two rocks on the ground that kind of look like tits will arouse you."

S. A. Tawks, British Author

Humor, Men, Desire, Nature

6

"Do you know how wizards like to be buried?"Yes!"Well, how?"Granny Weatherwax paused at the bottom of the stairs."Reluctantly."

"Do you know how wizards like to be buried?"Yes!"Well, how?"Granny Weatherwax paused at the bottom of the stairs."Reluctantly."

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Death, Tradition, Irony

6

"She would have been a better fuck in Greece, maybe. America was a shitty place to fuck."

"She would have been a better fuck in Greece, maybe. America was a shitty place to fuck."

Charles Bukowski, American Author

Humor, Sex, Culture, Geography

6

"If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as rejoiced in it."

"If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as rejoiced in it."

Bill Bryson, American Writer

Humor, Observation, Irony, Detail

6

"If love was a crime, God would encourage us all to go to prison."

"If love was a crime, God would encourage us all to go to prison."

Matshona Dhliwayo, Zimbabwean Philosopher

Humor, Love, Crime, God, Prison

6

"It is easy to decide on what is wrong to wear to a party, such as deep-sea diving equipment or a pair of large pillows, but deciding what is right is much trickier."

"It is easy to decide on what is wrong to wear to a party, such as deep-sea diving equipment or a pair of large pillows, but deciding what is right is much trickier."

Lemony Snicket, American Author

Humor, Choice, Judgment, Style

6

"We assured Phelan that we were more than happy to let him have you and your menagerie, Leo retorted."After that, he said he needed to think."About what? Beatrix demanded. "What is there to think about? Why is it taking him so long to make a decision?"He's a man, dear, Amelia explained kindly. "Sustained thinking is very difficult for them."

"We assured Phelan that we were more than happy to let him have you and your menagerie, Leo retorted."After that, he said he needed to think."About what? Beatrix demanded. "What is there to think about? Why is it taking him so long to make a decision?"He's a man, dear, Amelia explained kindly. "Sustained thinking is very difficult for them."

Lisa Kleypas, American Novelist

Humor, Decision, Thinking, Men

6

"WHAT FOR IS THIS BOX PADDED? IS IT TO BE SAT ON? CAN IT BE THAT IT IS CAT-FLAVOURED?"

"WHAT FOR IS THIS BOX PADDED? IS IT TO BE SAT ON? CAN IT BE THAT IT IS CAT-FLAVOURED?"

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Death, Confusion, Box

6

"I used to think that size does not count, until I realized that most people either find other people's faeces more disgusting than a bird's droppings, or they do not find the latter disgusting at all."

"I used to think that size does not count, until I realized that most people either find other people's faeces more disgusting than a bird's droppings, or they do not find the latter disgusting at all."

Mokokoma Mokhonoana, South African Philosopher

Humor, Truth, Life, Disgust

6

"When a fat person goes in the water naked, would it still be called skinny-dipping?"

"When a fat person goes in the water naked, would it still be called skinny-dipping?"

Anthony Liccione, American Author

Humor, Body, Question, Perception

6

"Some men's chests are more buttlike than some women's butts."

"Some men's chests are more buttlike than some women's butts."

Mokokoma Mokhonoana, South African Philosopher

Humor, Gender, Body, Comparison

6

"Shall I prick my prick as well?"

"Shall I prick my prick as well?"

George R. R. Martin, American Author

Humor, Provocation, Self, Identity

6

"If you are waiting for the perfect spouse, you are waiting for the perfect disappointment."

"If you are waiting for the perfect spouse, you are waiting for the perfect disappointment."

Matshona Dhliwayo, Zimbabwean Philosopher

Humor, Marriage, Perfection, Disappointment

6

"It is dull, Son of Adam, to drink without eating," said the Queen presently. "What would you like best to eat?""Turkish Delight, please, your Majesty," said Edmund."

"It is dull, Son of Adam, to drink without eating," said the Queen presently. "What would you like best to eat?""Turkish Delight, please, your Majesty," said Edmund."

C. S. Lewis, British Author

Humor, Desire, Food, Interaction

6

"Showing off is more ridiculous in instances where the thing that is being shown off was bought on credit."

"Showing off is more ridiculous in instances where the thing that is being shown off was bought on credit."

Mokokoma Mokhonoana, South African Philosopher

Humor, Credit, Ridicule, Society

6

"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"

"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"

C. JoyBell C., American Author

Humor, Self, Life, Joy

6

"Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men."

"Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men."

Matshona Dhliwayo, Zimbabwean Philosopher

Humor, Boys, Growth, Men, Development

6

"Playing Solitaire is a non-smoking employee's smoke break."

"Playing Solitaire is a non-smoking employee's smoke break."

Mokokoma Mokhonoana, South African Philosopher

Humor, Truth, Wisdom, Life, Regret

6

"Texan starting eternity: I never dreamed heaven would be so much like Texas. companion: Who said this was heaven?"

"Texan starting eternity: I never dreamed heaven would be so much like Texas. companion: Who said this was heaven?"

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Heaven, Afterlife, Faith

6

"Sergeant Colon of the Ankh-Morpork City Guard was on duty. He was guarding the Brass Bridge, the main link between Ankh and Morpork. From theft.When it came to crime prevention, Sergeant Colon found it safest to think big."

"Sergeant Colon of the Ankh-Morpork City Guard was on duty. He was guarding the Brass Bridge, the main link between Ankh and Morpork. From theft.When it came to crime prevention, Sergeant Colon found it safest to think big."

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Crime, Duty, Irony

5

"Laughter can deflate almost any problem down to its proper size."

"Laughter can deflate almost any problem down to its proper size."

Richelle E. Goodrich, American Poet

Humor, Laughter, Truth, Happiness, Life

5

"So you're her brother? says Lynn. "I guess we know who got the good genes.I laugh at the expression on Caleb's face, his mouth drawn into a slight pucker and his eyes wide."

"So you're her brother? says Lynn. "I guess we know who got the good genes.I laugh at the expression on Caleb's face, his mouth drawn into a slight pucker and his eyes wide."

Veronica Roth, American Author

Humor, Family, Appearance, Laughter

5

"Well, I'm about as tall as a shotgun, and just as noisy."

"Well, I'm about as tall as a shotgun, and just as noisy."

Truman Capote, American Novelist

Humor, Identity, Personality, Voice

5

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