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Humor Quotes
"If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you're a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. 'We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!"
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"You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts. Thrity pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh."
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"And if that weren't bad enough, the next sound he heard was a loud click.The damned woman had locked him out. She'd taken all the food and locked him out."You'll pay for this!" he yelled at the door."Do be quiet," came the muffled reply. "I'm eating."
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"Toys? When a man-a dom-said toys, he didn't mean stuffed animals or baseballs."
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"You know, Aunt Tasha makes jokes about how youE1d actually be a better queen than the others, except sometimes . . . I donE1t think sheE1s joking."
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"If every Genius has a touch of Madness, does every Normal person have a touch of Ignorance ?"
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"I put my clothing into the refrigerator and the foods into my wardrobe, am I in love?"
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"I like people with weak will and bad taste.It feels like anything is possible."
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"If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything."
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"I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better."
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"I suppose when you say you slept with him, it was more than just a nap?"Lillian shot her a withering glance. "Daisy, don't be a pea wit."
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"Nope, you stick out like a fart in a church."
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"Until today, it really pissed me off that I'd become this totally centered Zen Master, and nobody had noticed. Still, i'm doing the little FAX thing. I write little HAIKU things and FAX them around to everyone. When i pass people in the hall at work, I get toally ZEN right in everyone's hostile little FACE."
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"If working-hours were natural, then employed men would only get erections between 5 p.m. and 9 a.m. - during the week."
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"I have tutored Little Igor to be a man of this world. For example, I exhibited him a smutty magazine three days yore, so that he should be appraised of the many positions in which I am carnal. 'This is sixty-nine,' I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers--two of them--on the action, so that he would not overlook it. 'Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?' he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. 'It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor.' 'What did people do before 1969?' 'Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus."
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"A woman who is praying and a woman who is having fun, they both say " Oh My God", the only difference is how they pronounce it."
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"How was I supposed to know 'lucked out' means 'I got screwed over' in Australian?"
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"Shit," Delia said. "I mean, shoot. No, actually, I mean shit. I really do."
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"Sarcasm is when you tell someone the truth by lying on purpose."
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"God save us all from good-looking men."
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"What a nickname. Teenagers can be so cruel. I'm embarrassed to be one of them."
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"There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone's face is in close proximity to your penis.This was not one of those times."
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"Looking for a wife is like fishing; before you go, make sure you don't have a hole in your net."
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"She's adorable . "How would you know? "I'm gay, not blind. Her hair's all poofy and she's got a great nose. I mean, a great nose. And, what? What do you people like? Boobs? She seems to have boobs. They seem to be of approximately normal boob size. What else do you want?"
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"Need someone to talk to? I could tug my ear right now."
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"Leo smiled nervously. Maybe he and Percy did share something else " a stupid sense of humour. 'Yeah, I bet that would totally be against her sponsorship deal. THOSE ARE NOT THE OFFICIAL SHOES OF THE OLYMPICS! YOU WILL DIE NOW!' Hazel rolled her eyes. 'You're both impossible.' Behind Leo, a thunderous voice shook the ruins: 'YOU WILL DIE NOW!"
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"Pearls are congealed oyster spit."
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"Hey, guard! Ian hollered out loud. "Do you think we could get a bathroom break? The guard seemed to snicker as he pointed to the grass outside the cell. Eena smirked at how dead-on her thoughts had been after all. "Come on, Ian complained. "She can't do that, she's a girl. The soldier smiled wryly, a shrug communicating his indifference. Eena laughed in her mind. (I don't know what you think's so funny. You're the one who's gotta pee.) Oddly enough, that fact just made her laugh even more."
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"Poets utter great and wise things which they do not themselves understand."
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"We all men want a bad girl friend, but a good wife."
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"I'm dating three men, living with two more, and having occasional sex with two others. That's seven men. I'm like a pornographic Snow White. I think seven is plenty."
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