"I realized women and humor were linked very closely."

"When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything."

"There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin."

"I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger."

"I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it"

"I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians."

"After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock."

"The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight."

"The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted."

"Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me. Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself."

"I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die."

"I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that."

"Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck."

"That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil."

"Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing."

"I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane."

"I don't think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh."

"She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.I do have a knack for finding great women."

"Hey dawg, wassup?' he said, in the strange way that white talent agents from Los Angeles do in an attempt to sound like young black men from underprivileged backgrounds. A linguistic fashion as peculiar as the lisp that everybody in medieval Spain had to adopt after the king developed a speech impediment."

"The truth is that Leon, like a lot of those - maybe everyone - who trips on acid, never really came back. he recovered but he was never the same guy again. He had lost something - innocence of hell. Acid presses a little button in your mind that should never be pressed"

"Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape."

"Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself, only hope questions itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often. Like when a bumblebee flies or an ancient regime is toppled."

"I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk."

"The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman."

"Strange star - like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah."

"When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die."

"Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket."

"Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands."

"I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again."

"Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything. 1) Does this need to be said 2) 'Does this need to be said by me? 3) Does this need to be said by me now?"

"I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's."

"I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves."

"Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover."

"Sometimes people think you're smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else."

"I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist."

"Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness."

"I think in our desire to create a better America, we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling."

"School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic - I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit."

"On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four - piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn't keep in touch. They're probably taxi drivers and accountants by now."

"When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English."

"Time is only linear for engineers and referees."

"It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure."

"For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say 'Good morning, sir' or 'madam, ' depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require."

"If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy."

"I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!"