"I'm busy trying not to look like anything edible."

"Like your sweet, affectionate house cat, Alice Dahl is easy to underestimate. It's not until the songbirds in the yard show up eviscerated on the front porch that you realize you should've kept that bell collar on her-because those poor birds never even saw her coming."

"Don't take this the wrong way, but Australians have a LOT of bitches on their cashola."

"I've found that lifting the lid with your foot is the most thorough and least gross path to two minutes of peace of mind."

"You're in the country of the kangaroo and the duck-billed platypus, and you're asking 'why is it a mushroom? Because it just IS."

"Uh-oh, I hope he doesn't start rattling off dirty limericks next; she'll probably burn the hotel down."

"As you know, the International Poker Tour, by its own admission, knows very little about poker games, one of which ended tragically last week when an IPT-sanctioned tournament aboard a yacht in Australia accidentally used tarot cards instead of playing cards. That's right, it's true! Apparently no one noticed until someone laid down a full house and the dealer died."

"You can donate marrow for her, Alice Faye, you can't cure her. You can win a poker tournament, but that won't make her want to live. So I'll ask you again: Who are you, and what are you doing here? Because Munny sure doesn't want you to be her, and she wants someone to be out in the world living since she's got the market cornered on dying right now."

"Don't be such a dumbass, Gabe. Koalas don't travel in herds. They move in heaps. Much like emus move in ripples, and kangaroos travel in photo-ops."

"How was I supposed to know 'lucked out' means 'I got screwed over' in Australian?"

"Did you forget a dentist appointment or something, big guy? Where the hell did you hop off to?"

"Have you thrown 'Why is a raven like a writing desk?' at her yet?"

"Well, Faye, dear, I'm sure Harlow's sorry she didn't think to ask if you'd been eaten by a shark. That's totally on her."

"Suddenly, the giant, three-headed dog that guards the entrance to the Underworld appears next to her-sans two of its heads-and sits down. As a child, we had a neighbor with a Great Dane, and I know they're about three feet tall at the shoulder. Allow another twelve inches for their T-Rex-sized heads, and you've got a dog that this woman could throw a saddle on and ride like a pony."

"Let's put it this way: you know how we always told you that all those years of tormenting four sisters turned you into a closet sadist? Well, if you ever decide that being a lawyer isn't bringing you the kind of gratification you were hoping for, then I think I found the perfect job for you."

"So 'fatal' only kills you two out of three times these days? That's good to know."

"In any other fabric of space-time, my brother would have picked up Dee's venereal disease-infested koala punt and run it straight down the line of vulgarity, all the way to the touchdown of tastelessness."

"Enjoy your little run because there's no way you get off this boat without her trying to slice your Achilles in half."

"Who are you? Rabbit and Souris call you 'Alice,' me and Dee call you 'Faye.' I just didn't know if 'Alice' was your poker-playing, Southern Hemisphere name or what. Hey, I'm just trying to fit in here. If I should be introducing myself as 'Clark,' I want to know about it sooner rather than later so I don't embarrass myself."

"Turns out rolling your eyes in a bar when 'Land Down Under' plays is like someone belching during the Star Spangled Banner in America."

"Oh, Alice, you haven't even had a taste of my romantic streak yet. And when the time's right I don't think I'll have to 'try' to have my way with you. I just WILL."

"I try not to laugh too loud, afraid a bark-like noise will be mistaken by any great whites lurking in the area as the distress call of a juvenile seal."

"For someone named Alice, you're really not all that up on your Wonderland trivia."

"Alice, I am the game, and trust me: you don't want to play me."

"How do you tactfully spin the term "man-whore to someone's sister?"

"Remember that rabbit-proof fencing you told me about? You get that at a hardware store or is it special order?"

"I am commanding you, as an older and wiser brother, to get over here, get on this caterpillar, and ride to the top of this mushroom with me."

"You know what Munny said to me, right before we left? She said, 'Watching someone die is hard work. Go to Australia and watch Faye fall in love with some dude named Rabbit. That should be fun."

"Well, you played me, Rabbit. You played me, and it worked, and I'm not the kind of person to make the same mistake twice. Your whole life is a game, but you know what? I already have a life. Poker's nothing to me but a goddamn deck of cards."

"My butt has a maximum drive time of seven hours."

"Don't worry, little bunny, we only use our triplet telepathic powers for good."

"Oh, and Mr. Montgomery? I think I counted about four dozen important-sounding words and almost no substance at all in that explanation. I don't think you should close the door on your diplomatic career entirely."

"I'm almost afraid to tell you. Let's put it this way: clean toilets are the least of your problems in this country."

"First, I'd like to point out that I didn't use 'one of mine.' You refused to let me pay for my ice cream cone with a good ol' fashioned credit card, and you forced your pretend money on me. Secondly, I can't take any currency seriously that looks like it belongs in a psychedelic-inspired Special Edition Monopoly box."

"Mouse likes to drag you to uninhabited areas with no cell signal-all those places perfect for dying of exposure."

"Hey, any idea why Australians speak something that sounds deceptively like English but isn't? I mean, I'm trying to figure out why I can't seem to converse with another human being who speaks the same language as I do."

"I don't think I heard the same ending you did. Maybe you should tell it again."

"Alice? You didn't get this far without realizing that you don't have to cheat to win. You just have to accept that people are easily manipulated."

"So, while we're sitting here on this luxury yacht enjoying our bread and water, why doesn't someone tell me the plan?"

"And just so you know-that winter forest we walked into first? That was from Through the Looking Glass too. Hey, if you're going to saddle me with the blame for your overconsumption, at least get the book right."

"Congratulations, Mousey, you've managed to insult every marsupial in the country in just under three kilometers."

"Once the principals in their party are seated, with those lower on the totem pole left to grumble and move on to find another table, our once-cozy booth transforms into a damp fusion of vacuous wretchedness, with the three women all complaining alternately about their wet hair/clothes and their respective distance from Talon, while the man himself is trying to maneuver his Paul Bunyan frame way too close to me."

"Would you like to hear about the fascinating things lizards can do if you chew off their tails?"

"That's the thing you girls never get. It doesn't matter if you just woke up, or just got done bawling, or just finished your make-up. When a guy's all love-sick over a chick, she looks exactly the same to him all the time: perfect."

"Souris says you wanted to see me, so here I am. Talk quick before I decide to beat the shit out of you and throw your bloody carcass back across the International Date Line."

"Because trying to think of how to ask a woman you've known for exactly two days if she'd be willing to get into a car with you and take a road trip across the country was something I hadn't quite worked up to yet."

"Well then, I guess I'm man enough to admit that I'm trying to get in touch with my inner bitch."

"I believe the phrase you're looking for is 'too much money and not enough things to spend it on."

"Just keep it simple, Alice Faye. Remember how you taught yourself. Nothing's different just because you're on a yacht, or wearing a fancy dress. Or because you appear to have dropped acid and are now in the mirror room at the fun house."

"Do you really think I'd let him call my sister a 'bitch?' Or you for that matter? Talon Hawk's dumb, but he's smarter than that he'd be crawling around on his hands and knees picking his teeth off the tiles."