"As you know, the International Poker Tour, by its own admission, knows very little about poker games, one of which ended tragically last week when an IPT-sanctioned tournament aboard a yacht in Australia accidentally used tarot cards instead of playing cards. That's right, it's true! Apparently no one noticed until someone laid down a full house and the dealer died."

Satire, Absurdity, Failure, Comedy

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"As you know, the International Poker Tour, by its own admission, knows very little about poker games, one of which ended tragically last week when an IPT-sanctioned tournament aboard a yacht in Australia accidentally used tarot cards instead of playing cards. That's right, it's true! Apparently no one noticed until someone laid down a full house and the dealer died."

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"NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi."

Ambrose Bierce, American Journalist

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"Hurry, your imaginary heaven is calling you up, my dear holier-than-thou religious nuts."

Fakeer Ishavardas, Indian Spiritual Leader

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"And his computer's spell-check always forces him to capitalize the word "Internet". Come on; World War Two earned it's capitalization. The Internet just sucks human beings away from reality."

Doug Coupland, Canadian Author

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"Happiness is a good business these days, more you talk crap about happiness the large number of crowd you will gather."

Santosh Kalwar, Nepalese Poet

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"Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say 'attaboy'."

Christopher Moore, American Novelist

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"It is difficult not to write satire."

Juvenal, Roman Poet

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"Logically enough, the office and the nunnery have been singularly popular in the imaginations of pornographers. We should not be surprised to learn that the erotic novels of the early modern period were overwhelmingly focused on debauchery and flagellation amongst clergy in vespers and chapels, just as contemporary Internet pornography is inordinately concerned with fellatios and sodomies performed by office workers against a backdrop of work stations and computer equipment."

Alain de Botton, English Writer

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"Cervantes smiled Spain's chivalry away; A single laugh demolished the right arm Of his country."

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"Pray don't talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing. Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain that they mean something else. And that makes me quite nervous."

Oscar Wilde, Irish Dramatist

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"Punctuality is the thief of time."

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Explore more quotes by Elle Lothlorien

"Oh, yeah, that goatee is really unattractive. That definitely belongs on a much fatter man."

Attraction

"I'm good at being vague and unpredictable. It's sort of a hard habit to break."

Self

"By the way, don't thank me for saving you, thank the lifeguards. If it was up to me, I would've just carried you off to the building by the boardwalk that said SURGERY. I'm sorry, but there's a big difference between a family doctor treating you for the sniffles, and a guy who actually owns and knows how to use an operating table."

Education

"I slump in my chair, thinking how a narcotic party of one is no party at all."

Isolation

"Pretty great view. You think they'd do something about the sharks."

Adventure

"Yeah, that's exactly how I feel when I'm around you: confused, but still satisfied.' I freeze, trying to figure out how to cancel it out and replace it with something that sounds a whole lot less like sex and a candy bar ad."

Relationship

"I don't need to look at your primal, white-hot, mutant pirate eyes, big guy. Just forget that I'm there, and I'll try to block out the fact that I ever met you. Basically we'll just act like we do every day."

Detachment

"The car doesn't so much drive as float above the road, like we're making our way to Sydney in a hovercraft."

Car

"The question is: will I get used to a menu with kilojoules instead of calories? I mean, I don't think anyone even knows how many kilojoules are in a calorie. I had to break out a whiteboard this morning and do calculus just to figure out how many calories were in a glass of water Down Under."

Science

"I grimace, thinking someone should come up with a new phrase for 'I left the ocean without a kiwi-sized chunk of my lower-left butt cheek' to replace the rather nebulous term 'exploratory bite."

Injury