"Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure."

"Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage."

"Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence."

"Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul."

"Genius - to know without having learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of things."

"In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office."

"Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones."

"Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice."

"Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage."

"GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism."

"Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."

"Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be."

"Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man who did not particularly care to trace his own."

"In this world one must have a name; it prevents confusion, even when it does not establish identity. Some, though, are known by numbers, which also seem inadequate distinctions."

"That sovereign of insufferables."

"Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills."

"When he had ended, the holy hermit was a moment silent, then said: "My son, I have attended to thy story and I know the maiden. I have myself seen her, as have many. Know, then, that she is capricious for she imposeth conditions that man cannot fulfill, and delinquency is punished by desertion. She cometh only when unsought, and will not be questioned. One manifestation of curiosity, one sign of doubt, one expression of misgiving, and she is away!"

"History " An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools."

"Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable."

"Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding."

"Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding."

"Acquaintance n: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to."

"Prejudice - a vagrant opinion without visible means of support."

"Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money."

"Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another."

"Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy."

"He thought he was walking along a dusty road that showed white in the gathering darkness of a summer night. Whence and whither it led, and why he traveled it, he did not know, though all seemed simple and natural, as is the way in dreams; for in the Land Beyond the Bed surprises cease from troubling and the judgment is at rest."

"Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to."

"Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver."

"Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out."

"Marriage n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master a mistress and two slaves making in all two."

"Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious."

"The covers of this book are too far apart."

"Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two."

"Cynicism is that blackguard defect of vision which compels us to see the world as it is instead of as it should be."

"HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There arefour kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is foradvantage of the lawyers."

"Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen."

"A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites them to think something else."

"Consult: To seek approval for a course of action already decided upon."

"Infidel n: in New York one who does not believe in the Christian religion in Constantinople one who does."

"Hope is desire and expectation rolled into one."

"Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."

"Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on."

"History n: an account mostly false of events mostly unimportant which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves and soldiers mostly fools."

"Ah, children of the sunlight and the gaslight, how little you know of the world in which you live!"

"Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to."

"What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country."

"Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues."

"Dawn: When men of reason go to bed."

"Apologize v: to lay the foundation for a future offence."