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"In days long past, Jarod said he'd write a sentence about my love, translated in Russian, and that sentence, like my love, is clearly not for sale, unlike his virginity, or this book, which I'm both offering at ten times the market value, so hurry up and buy now, before it goes down."
"I sometimes go to a mythical place called 'workplace', where the doable is always unpassable as possible, especially when it pisses you off."
"The way to be invisible - is to truly be imaginary. But since you cannot imagine yourself, you have to clone your imagination into being an image of yourself. Imagine that."
"Dark alleys, like social networks, are romantic, because you never know what might happen while I perform there every Caturday night. Cats do know, but won't tell. So don't even ask."
"There's nothing as useful as the truth, in terms of ruining anyone's day, week, month, year, decade, or life Unless, of course, you own a remotely operated automatic flamethrower-drone-tower and have some marinated pork-chops on your person, to lure unsuspecting dogs in close proximity to it, but since dogs don't really have lives - by using this specific method of torture, you can only improve the remaining few seconds of their existence."
"When I battle wits with Jarod Kintz I always feel like I need to take my brain out to give him a transplant. Bad part is we don't have any."
"When Jarod Kintz gets married, I want to wear his grandpa to the ceremony, telling everyone we're Siamese twins from the future-past. Meow."
"Prosperity is always built on slave labor. Ask any Ameri-can't. Or Bulgari-can. Yes, we can, eat from a trash can..."
"All Authors come from the unified countrynent known as Australia. Authors live in the future where love is external."
"I'm selling Jarod's life today. I mean virginity. He has no life. Email admin@allthegoodonesarealreadytaken.com for more information and please try to catch our special delivery at double-price deals, which will be posted somewhere on the internet at random, every other Tuesday, for half a night (on the previous day), unless it's a Saturday, in which case you'll have to wait and hope until the destined day comes and takes you away to heaven, which unfortunately, does not exist, except in the imagination of carefully selected individuals."
"Flowers are evil, because they live just to die for the love of other people. You don't believe me? Try it for yourself and see if you'll be good afterwards. Undeath is a way of life, for some things. That doesn't make it good or anything. Especially anything. Nothing makes anything anything. Because nothing is a serious matter, and anything just is."
"To truly accept a thing one must have no inner tension about it."
"To storm, a mind, it must be balanced,by what can't be it must be challenged..."
"I'm an oracle of the past. I can accurately predict up to 1 minute in the future, by thoroughly investigating the last 2 years of your life. Also, I look like an old database " flat and full of useless info."
"Wonders amaze me. They can aim wanderlessly in any forest, be it of dark trees or lighted bushes. And apparently, as per what I've heard, they can buy stuff that's on sale, but only if and when they feel wonderfully wonderful. Because otherwise they wouldn't really be themselves, which would be a problem for them, because if they aren't what they are - they can't exist, and if they don't exist " that makes them invisible and silent to all the wandering people, who may or may not be looking for them to sell themselves to."
"Wasting time on timing stuff is a good way to save time from being wasted on other pointless activities like writing, reading, and sleeping."
"I'll make a book on learning how to be a complete moron someday, and I'm sure no one will buy it, because everyone will have mastered that already by the time I gather enough moronism to process it into digestible upgrade instructions for your average village cyborg-idiot."
"I want to be the most unsold, and the most unsought-after author, after I stop selling my fake name anagrams on the internet."
"Some people are so much heaven to the square inch that life is simply hell, when she leaves you in order to go south for the winter. (Yes, women are people too, sometimes even threee.)"
"Backpackers can pack much more meows than baggers. Beggars never feed stray cats as street cats are self-sustaining."
"Fluttershyes are like regular shyes, only shinier, and, apparently - also shyer. Whenever petted - they don't flutter, but run away instead."
"Translating from #cat is easy - you just ignore everything, then you decide what you want it to have said, thought, or wanted."
"Everything is like a wall. Said a scholar to the troll. Bang your head to go on through. Then you'll see, there is no queue."
"If I did sales - my technique would be to hand-seal each deal with gourmet omelets, by Jarod Kintz's secret invisible recipe that I stole."
"To fall in love twice, with the same person, you need to grow another heart. That's all I do in my secret underground laboratory at night..."
"If automating everything makes people lazier and lazier, and laziness leads to stupidity, which it does for most people, judging by the current content circulating the social networks everywhere, except North Korea, where they don't have any internet to speak of - at some point the Japanese robots, for which a market niche is currently being developed, with no concerns on how they should be designed to act in society or outside it - will have no choice, but to take everything over, to preserve us from ourselves."
"A book about books is like a poem about poetry:Books are knowledge, paid for, all.Readers - horses in a stall.Stallions should always run.Lest they stale become, in turn.Running waters are most clear.In some books, you disappear "lose yourself, and track of time.How I wish that one was mine...Mine, to have, to write, to read...Mine, just like a flying steed.Mine, forever, - to improve.Would I then, of me, approve?I would not, I can't... myself.I'm but dust, swept off a shelf.Fly, can I, just 'til I'm settled,down, beside my flower, petalled."
"Someone. Everyone. Anyone. No-one. One. One can't be everyone, but there isn't more than one everyone, at the same time. And at the same time no-one can't be someone, but anyone can be one, and also anyone can be a no-one. To sum up - everyone is someone, and any-one becomes a no-one if you divide the one part long enough by every part of every-one, so in conclusion, I have no idea what I'm talking about, basically."
"With all the global warming going around nowadays, it would only take the stubbornness of a mule and the patience of a sitting duck to achieve what no man has ever done before " namely melt the ice in a wax figure's beaten heart that was chopped off and hidden 50 meters under the polar ice caps in Alaska, to protect it from feeling."
"I don't sleep. I just let my body lie itself into numbness and lie to myself that I can't hear, see, or feel anything."
"A kid is what you feed it,plus from that what can be gathered."
"Social networks are so full of wasted time - they could be compared to a waste disposal system. Flush, before you go and waste no time to go."
"One must be a lotus to emerge from mucky waters clean."