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"Other useful commands to teach your dog are 'stay,' 'heel,' 'remove your snout from that person's groin,' 'stop humping the Barcalounger,' 'do not bark violently for two hours at inanimate objects such as a flowerpot,' ' do not eat poop,' and 'if you must eat poop, then at least refrain from licking my face afterward'."
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Personal Development
"The love of one cat simply can't be compared with the love of another.."
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Personal Development
"I have two Iceland horses, a very hairy dog called Looney, and a guinea pig."
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Personal Development
"The best about cats is they love cannot feign..."
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Personal Development
"I had mice that I kept as pets when I was very young, and I've always liked the way they look. Even rats. I'm not scared of them."
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Personal Development
"Gromit was the name of a cat. When I started modeling the cat I just didn't feel it was quite right, so I made it into a dog because he could have a bigger nose and bigger, longer legs."
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Personal Development
"Capo, my first golden retriever, so loved to swim she once jumped off a cliff to get into Lake Superior."
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"Dark alleys, like social networks, are romantic, because you never know what might happen while I perform there every Caturday night. Cats do know, but won't tell. So don't even ask."
Observation
"A book about books is like a poem about poetry:Books are knowledge, paid for, all.Readers - horses in a stall.Stallions should always run.Lest they stale become, in turn.Running waters are most clear.In some books, you disappear "lose yourself, and track of time.How I wish that one was mine...Mine, to have, to write, to read...Mine, just like a flying steed.Mine, forever, - to improve.Would I then, of me, approve?I would not, I can't... myself.I'm but dust, swept off a shelf.Fly, can I, just 'til I'm settled,down, beside my flower, petalled."
Knowledge
"In days long past, Jarod said he'd write a sentence about my love, translated in Russian, and that sentence, like my love, is clearly not for sale, unlike his virginity, or this book, which I'm both offering at ten times the market value, so hurry up and buy now, before it goes down."
Love
"I want to be the most unsold, and the most unsought-after author, after I stop selling my fake name anagrams on the internet."
Creativity
"Everything is like a wall. Said a scholar to the troll. Bang your head to go on through. Then you'll see, there is no queue."
Motivation
"There's nothing as useful as the truth, in terms of ruining anyone's day, week, month, year, decade, or life Unless, of course, you own a remotely operated automatic flamethrower-drone-tower and have some marinated pork-chops on your person, to lure unsuspecting dogs in close proximity to it, but since dogs don't really have lives - by using this specific method of torture, you can only improve the remaining few seconds of their existence."
Satire
"With all the global warming going around nowadays, it would only take the stubbornness of a mule and the patience of a sitting duck to achieve what no man has ever done before " namely melt the ice in a wax figure's beaten heart that was chopped off and hidden 50 meters under the polar ice caps in Alaska, to protect it from feeling."
Motivation
"To share is just to align with a person."
Unity
"Wasting time on timing stuff is a good way to save time from being wasted on other pointless activities like writing, reading, and sleeping."
Productivity
"People decided that trees have no feelings."
Environment
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