"Honest friends is kinda nice, but it's hard to beat a big-ass lie and a six-pack of brewskies."

"Let us talk about oxymoron, common sense, for instance."

"Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin' the bird' s a hell of a lot easier."

"Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree."

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but tequila makes it so she doesn't give a shit if she's fond of you are not."

"It's not who you know, it's who you sleep with."

"Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation'll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair."

"Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack."

"It is far better to know the painful truth than to live with a kindly falsehood."

"Maybe knowledge is power, but it ain't nearly as as satisfying as punching some smart ass in the chops."

"Jealousy. It's a terrible thing. Unless it's someone else's."

"You're gonna sit down. You're gonna shut up. And by the grace of God Almighty, I ain't gonna kill you."

"Old-age sucks, but the alternative doesn't look that great, either."

"In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice."

"It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine."

"Today's problems are yesterday's mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass."

"You're just so lucky blood's so hard to get out of the carpet."

"Trust is important to any relationship and easier to come by if you get a picture of a guy's wife buck naked."