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"Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree."
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"We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic . . . Dr. Ted Clinic."
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Personal Development
"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?"
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Personal Development
"This is wonderful, wonderful! Be the bird. You are the bird. Sacrifice yourself to abandoned family values...."
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Personal Development
"Flowers are evil, because they live just to die for the love of other people. You don't believe me? Try it for yourself and see if you'll be good afterwards. Undeath is a way of life, for some things. That doesn't make it good or anything. Especially anything. Nothing makes anything anything. Because nothing is a serious matter, and anything just is."
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Personal Development
"Down, boy! Couchant! I said couchant! No! Not rampant!"
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Personal Development
"It was like being at an Arabian hoedown with a band of psychedelic hillbillies (p. 171)."
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Personal Development
"If we loved Steve Aylett, really loved him in the way that he deserves, a selfless love that genuinely wanted nothing save his happiness and comfort, we'd lobotomise him."
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Personal Development
"Don't worry, goat boy. The milkman is dead."
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Personal Development
"You know how spooky Ashwini is. She called an hour ago to tell me she has a secret stash of handheld grenade launchers she thought I might want to know about. My response was, 'What the fuck?"
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Personal Development
"No people find each other more absurd than lovers."
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"It is far better to know the painful truth than to live with a kindly falsehood."
Honesty
"Maybe knowledge is power, but it ain't nearly as as satisfying as punching some smart ass in the chops."
Irony
"When men age they're called sophisticated. When women age they ain't called at all."
Aging
"Jealousy. It's a terrible thing. Unless it's someone else's."
Envy
"Just when you think you have life by the tail, it's likely to whip around and take a hunk outta your balls."
Chaos
"In my experience, "what the hell" is generally the most interesting decision."
Risk
"Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation'll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair."
Temptation
"A person without regrets is called a corpse."
Mortality
"Some people are street-smart, some people are book-smart, but most people are just dumber than dirt."
Intelligence
"You guys gotta get a license to drive a Geo, but any doofus with a few good swimmers can be a father."
Parenting
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