"I don't remember the first half of my life. All I say is a happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life."

"I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes."

"You have to pretend that your life is a financial pleasure even when your autographs are bouncing."

"I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care."

"Young people are the key to this election."

"I see an issue I like, and I support it."

"These days, there are many people around the world who listen to the songs that made me infamous and read the books that made me respectable."

"I'll keep us out of war with Oklahoma!"

"We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning."

"We've got to clear some of the room out of the prisons so we can put the bad guys in there, like the pedophiles and the politicians."

"If Willie Nelson had been Rosa Parks, there never would have been a civil rights movement in this country, because he refuses to leave the back of the bus."

"The teachers are getting screwed, blued, and tattooed by the system."

"How can you look at the Texas legislature and still believe in intelligent design?"

"I have a better head of hair than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."

"I've always said money may buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail."

"Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail."

"The folks in Mississippi are saying, 'Thank God for Texas.'"

"I admit to drinking it, but I did not swallow."

"Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people."

"I'll sign anything except bad legislation."

"I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us."

"The Democrats and Republicans are the same guy admiring themself in the mirror."

"No, nothing has changed in my life at all, and nothing would change if I had millions."

"Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest."

"The only currency I value is the coin of the spirit. That's very important in my life."

"If you ain't Texan, I ain't got time for you."

"I'll tell you right now. I'm for prayer in school."

"Politics is the only field in which the more experience you have, the worse you get."

"When I'm governor... I'll be the first governor with a listed telephone number."

"May the God of your choice bless and keep you. I respect Him as long as He does not circumcise me anymore."

"You struggle with your demons and you conquer them."

"A happy childhood... is the worst possible preparation for life."

"We were a country band with a social conscience."

"Students don't know who Mark Twain was because he wasn't on the test."

"Yes, I'm a Judeo-Christian. Jesus and Moses are in my heart, and... both of them were independents, by the way."

"And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians."

"I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow."

"The first thing I'll do if elected is demand a recount."