"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

"If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble."

"They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood."

"I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

"Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued."

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."

"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf."

"She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction."

"Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong."

"I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money."

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom."

"A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?"

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap."

"You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it."

"I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful."

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

"I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty."

"The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast."

"I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there."

"I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!"

"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."

"If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it."

"I have too much money invested in sweaters."

"When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano."

"The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off."

"When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness."

"The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup."

"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in."

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."