"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help."

"When birds burp, it must taste like bugs."

"The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present."

"When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back."

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled."

"Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made."

"Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess."

"If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life."

"Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery."

"A real job is a job you hate."

"To invent your own life's meaning is not easy, but it's still allowed, and I think you'll be happier for the trouble."

"Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless."

"You can present the material, but you can't make me care."

"From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way."

"Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems?"

"CALVIN:As usual goodness hardly puts up a fight."

"Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different."

"Calvin: Why are you crying mom?Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables."

"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer.... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?"

"At school, new ideas are thrust at you every day. Out in the world, you'll have to find your inner motivation to seek for new ideas on your own."

"I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks. If you can just get most people to leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find even one person you really like, you're lucky. And if that person can also stand you, you're really lucky."

"Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze 'em?"

"I liked things better when I didn't understand them."

"Genius is never understood in its own time."

"Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat."

"I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!"

"Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one."

"Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes."

"Some days you get up and you already know that things aren't going to go well. They're the type of days when you should just give in, put your pajamas back on, make some hot chocolate and read comic books in bed with the covers up until the world looks more encouraging. Of course, they never let you do that."

"I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. That's the problem here."

"Isn't it sad how some people's grip on their lives is so precarious that they'll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth?"

"The world of a comic strip ought to be a special place with its own logic and life... I don't want the issue of Hobbes's reality settled by a doll manufacturer."

"I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know."

"Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin. Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."

"Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?"

"I know the world isn't fair, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?"

"CALVIN:When I grow up I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I'll come back to yesterday and take myself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment."

"The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse."

"That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse."

"So, what's it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don't recommend it."

"We don't devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks."

"In the short term, it would make me happy to go play outside. In the long term, it would make me happier to do well at school and become successful. But in the VERY long term, I know which will make better memories."

"I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple."

"God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die."

"I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point."

"Calvin: The more you know, the harder it is to take decisive action. Once you are informed, you start seeing complexities and shades of gray. You realize nothing is as clear as it first appears. Ultimately, knowledge is paralyzing. Being a man of action, I cannot afford to take that risk. Hobbes: You're ignorant, but at least you act on it."

"Specifically, I'd like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it's less wasteful."

"CALVIN:This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn't make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery?If the guy exists why doesn't he ever show himself and prove it?And if he doesn't exist what's the meaning of all this?HOBBES:I dunno. Isn't this a religious holiday? CALVIN:Yeah, but actually, I've got the same questions about God."

"Now what state do you live in?''Denial."