top of page
.png){kind=small}
Quotes by Comedian
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
Car,
7
"I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better."
7
"What's not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they're actually startled when the phone rings. It's like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger. Now we answer, 'What happened? Is someone tied up in the old sawmill?'No, it's Becky. I just called to say hi.'Well you scared me half to death. You can't just pick up the phone and try to talk to me like that. Don't the tips of your fingers work?"
7
"When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me."
7
"It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."
7
"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
6
"If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you're a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. 'We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!"
6
"It's failure that gives you the proper perspective on success."
6
"The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy for yourself and yourself."
5
"If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn't done anything? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if perfume irritates a bunny rabbit's eyes, they should throw it in Charles Manson's eyes and ask him if it hurts."
5
bottom of page