"For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work."

"Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog."

"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers."

"A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself."

"Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own."

"Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk."

"The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools."

"Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties."

"A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!"

"A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience."

"There must be a happy medium somewhere between being totally informed and blissfully unaware."

"Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it."

"Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three - and paradise is when you have none."

"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks."

"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."

"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."

"The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment."

"If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles."

"Establishing goals is all right if you don't let them deprive you of interesting detours."

"There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own."

"Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush."

"If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend."

"Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible."

"Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days."

"The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate."

"The reason people blame things on previous generations is that there's only one other choice."

"The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it."

"The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others."

"Sometimes opportunity knocks, but most of the time it sneaks up and then quietly steals away."