"It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it."

"In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends."

"I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder."

"It's funny because it's funny."

"To be famous and broke is hard."

"I have no detectable hair style."

"Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.'"

"My career is just kind of crazy."

"When I started I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks."

"There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all."

"To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee."

"You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun."

"I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those."

"It's so crazy in Hollywood."